Giving is a good thing. You’re down with that. Hold doors, remember birthdays, pick up the tab, volunteer to swing the hammer and serve the soup. Good stuff.

There are some moves in life that I’m a fan of that aren’t what might come to mind when it comes to giving, but I think they’re worthy of consideration alongside their more traditional standouts.

Asking

Whether it’s asking for help reaching the top shelf, or help preparing for a tough conversation with your boss, asking gets related to as a burden on the asked. But asking is as giving as can be! Asking gives people some directions on how to be a good friend or partner. It gives them an opportunity to be giving to you. And it keeps them from having to sit by and watch you struggle through something without being sure how to help.

Being demanding

No one likes the “pounding-the-fists” or “you-better-do-this-or-else” sort of being demanding, but there are other ways demanding can look that are an important part of giving. When you ask someone you love to be more thoughtful about how they treat you, or tell them that some of their habits are irritating, you’re letting that person know you care about them and want them to grow. Another version of demanding might look like being demanding of someone and yourself at the same time: “We’ve been eating and drinking terribly lately! We need to make some changes around here!”

Letting others give to you

One of the joys of relationships is giving and being given to, yet so often we hear things like, “Oh, I feel so guilty letting you give me a back massage.” Or, “I could never accept this.” Sometimes people want to give to us. Let them. And be careful with keeping score (as in the quid pro quo of making sure all the giving is doled out exactly evenly).

Saying “no”

Offering to do something you’re not really available for, or that you’re liable to end up resenting isn’t so giving. When we say “no,” it ensures that when we say “yes” we’ll really mean it, and it creates a culture in relationships where everyone feels free to ask and free to say no. There’s clarity in intentions, and we avoid that awful feeling of wondering if the person doing you a favor is really available to help.

It’s the relationship

Perhaps what keeps these aspects of being giving from getting full credit is that they all focus on the needs of relationships. Typically, we think of giving as transactional: Person A does good for Person B. That’s fine, but we can also look at giving through a relational lens, one through which Person A is giving not just to Person B but to Person B and the relationship as a whole. Giving is an opportunity to strengthen relationships, to build relationships, to pamper relationships; when that happens, everyone grows in the bargain.

{ 0 comments }