When thinking of New Year’s resolutions, most people settle on the typical ones in the style of Good Morning America (diet, exercise, job, life milestone etc.). But, we can also resolve to evaluate and redefine our relationships, including shaking up therapy.
Therapy is often pictured as a set routine of method, practice and relating. Therapists and patients can get stuck in a particular way of working together. There is the therapist, who is the “practitioner,” and the patient (you). I think this is a problem. Therapy is a collaboration, which means both people influence the work and experience of relating in therapy. Like all relationships, the therapeutic relationship can be prone to coasting, which is why we need to evaluate and shake up our therapy at least once a year. The new year is a great time to start.
Do You Need To Shake Things Up In Therapy?
Observe and think about your relationship with your therapist, your therapy and what is happening in the therapy room. Are you feeling challenged to grow? Do you always talk about the same things in the same way? Are you ready to go deeper? How do you feel going into the therapy office? How do you know this? Are you collaborating together in your treatment and your relationship? What type of help do you still need? Do you need to get to know your therapist in a new way?
Now, shake it up! Like all relational activity, evaluation and shaking up is healthy and can make the relationship more fulfilling. You can take on a more active role in defining the relationship.
How Do You Shake Up Your Therapy?
Like working out, sometimes we aren’t being pushed hard or strong enough. You might not quite know what shaking up the therapy needs exactly, but you know that therapy is stuck and stagnant. It is uncomfortable to question a therapist who has been caring for you. But remember: they work both for you and with you. Stay close to this and lead this conversation.
You are bringing your evaluation to the professional in the room. This is questioning authority in some ways, which can bring up a lot for you (from the past). It is awkward to note that a relationship that you like, respect and with someone who is the professional needs to be shaken up. Embrace the awkwardness.
Start by opening up the conversation saying, “This may be awkward.” When you name it, the conversation can move forward more honestly with as much ease as the awkwardness will allow. After raising the issue, you and the therapist can have a new and messy conversation about this shake up/collaboration. You and the therapy will grow.
Lead in a way of organizing your thoughts and points to the questions above. Be thoughtful and thorough in describing what is not working or needs to be different. Ask the therapist the questions you have and wonder if they have considered. Don’t leave the therapist guessing or mind-reading. Remember to ask yourself, “What do I need? What do I want? How do I feel about what the therapist responded to?”
If you are honest and clear about what you know and feel, you can have a fuller conversation that you and your therapist can move through slowly and thoughtfully. This can allow space to think about what you want to look differently, try a new way of talking about something, ask questions, and evaluate together if you have the conditions to do a new variation of the therapy.
Into The Therapy Room And Beyond
Like any relationship, if there’s a honest conversation about what is not working or what needs to be added, the relationship can shift, change and become more fulfilling. It can provide new aspects of the relationship and therapy that may not occur without this conversation.
And if you end up needing to leave because the conversation and relationship can’t be collaborated or worked on, then you’ll grow as a result of this too. My colleague Heather wrote a post about “How to Leave Your Therapist,” which tells you how to do this powerfully.
The confidence of redefining or shaking up a relationship can extend beyond the therapy room. It is normal for us to need to shake up relationships in our life. And you can become the active shaper of your life–less afraid to create disruption and see the benefits those disruptions create. By embracing the awkward conversation with your therapist, starting to work on this relationship and doing so in new, different, collaborative and growthful ways, you can take it on in others areas of your life. You and the therapist can talk about how you did this together and how it can move out of the room and into your other relationships (parenting, partnering, work, friendship, family etc).
