Do You Think We'll Make It, Doc?: Dealing With Infidelity Through Couples Therapy

Infidelity never just happens to individuals. Culpability for making a harmful choice is a different thing than the responsibility for rebuilding. In a crisis like infidelity–a moment of hurt and betrayal, it can be incredibly difficult to see possibilities for the relationship. When talking with couples in the early stages of reconciling infidelity, we are so often asked, “Can we even stay together?” In some ways, they’re asking, “Do you think we’ll make it, doc?” But there’s also a sense, at times, they’re engaging whether or not it’s ok to stay together. Perhaps the person who cheated feels they are “supposed to” retreat in shame and the person who’s been cheated on feels that he or she is a wimp for sticking around.

We support couples to slow down and not make any decisions right away. The truth is we rarely know if a couple can stay together or not, but by deconstructing some of these assumptions–stated or otherwise–that come from our families, religion and society, we can better help couples give real consideration to their options. And this can include staying together.

These decisions don’t come easy, particularly when dealing with infidelity. For us, step one is to stabilize the boat. If partners are fighting, we need that to stop. As hard as it can be, staying separately for a time can be an important part of that. At the very least, we need some ground rules. When kids are around, that is especially important. We help parents have the support they need to not fight around their children, to resist any temptation to malign their partner toward their kids and help the kids make sense of why their parents are upset or staying distant.

Often one or both individuals need help managing their day to day. It’s possible that the therapy may take on various forms in addition to couples therapy. Depending on the issues that emerge, an aggrieved partner may need help to feel stable after an affair as well as to examine what they need and want moving forward. The partner who committed the infidelity likely needs to examine the context and decisions to do so. A strength of our group practice is that we can make an easy referral to a trusted therapist in the practice, sharing with that colleague as much or as little as the couple and therapist decide is helpful.

Reestablishing Trust and Intimacy

Once there is stability, we have to establish a common understanding of what happened (the infidelity itself) and decide collectively how much detail is necessary for the partner who has been cheated on to know. Often couples have to balance a need for disclosure in the process of apology and reconciliation and the danger of too much detail.

Couples often need help to reestablish trust not only in everyday life, but in sex and intimacy. This might look like going slow, being intimate without being sexual, and establishing ground rules. We lead the process of helping couples talk openly about sex, including establishing a sense of safety in our office that can be expanded upon.

Abandoning sex or sustaining a diminished sex life is an unfortunate causality for couples experiencing infidelity. While a poor or absent sex life never justifies cheating, it is often worthwhile to look at couple’s intimate life prior to the affair. We guide couples through the process of reclaiming or even recreating their sex life. Early on, it may seem unlikely or even, impossible, but intimacy can recover.

Many couples worry about the possibility of another affair in the future. A strong commitment to not cheating again, while essential, isn't sufficient to prevent a future affair. The best way to help prevent another instance of infidelity (and to help couples feel secure about this) is to build a strong, exciting, vibrant relationship with active attention to proactively raising and discussing concerns. Often the partner who cheated may need to carefully examine how that decision happened and to work on vulnerabilities that may come up.

What About Emotional Affairs?

Emotional affairs have received a good deal of attention and we’ve found our patients expressing more concern over them in the last few years. Our patients are seeking a clear-cut standard of what’s okay and not okay in an intimate, but non-sexual relationship outside of a monogamous relationship. The fact is–we just can’t offer that. While sex itself can be tricky to define, emotional relationships are even more varied and subjective. What we do is help couples talk about what they find scary or out of line and understand why.

There are relationships that are disrespectful to your primary partner. At the same time, individuals need friendships outside of the relationship, for their own sake and for the health of the relationship. Social media can also blur the line between professional and personal relationships. People connect with coworkers and clients. We don't believe that to be in itself problematic–people have all sorts of relationships and can manage various aspects of those relationships. Many people who are thoughtful about how they manage the personal aspect of professional relationships live and in the flesh may not be as thoughtful about how they do this online. What do we share? Who is seeing this? How might they get the wrong idea about my intentions are in the relationship?

We help couples define for themselves what works for them and what doesn’t. Then, we work to discover the terms on which these can be expressed and how they can come to feel safe and assured. We help couples articulate what parts of their relationship they want to have be special and only for one another and what parts of themselves they want to share with others. We look at how relationships outside the couple can be set up to provide reassurance while also looking for ways to include your partner.