Family Therapy For New Parents Of Twins Or Multiples

Family Therapy For New Parents: There’s No Choice But To Grow When Raising Twins Or Multiples

In our NYC family therapy practice, we see new parents who are smart, savvy, strong and creative. However, no matter how on top of things they may be, they still struggle with juggling both logistics, such as feeding, sleeping and organizing two or more babies, with their emotional needs as individuals, partners, parents and family members.

It’s often easy for folks to say, “Of course you get all-consumed when entering into early parenthood,” giving assurances that you’ll soon come out on the other side. But in our therapy with new parents of twins or multiples, we know this isn’t always helpful. It negates the growth that you must go through to build what went from a smaller family to one that is double or even, triple in size. As with all transitions, what worked before may not work now. When you are a parent with twins or multiples, you have no choice but to grow.

As Family Therapists, We Get What The Day Of A Parent Of Twins Or Multiples Looks Like

We know how the day of a parent of twins or multiples goes: You wake up and change one baby’s diaper, while the other(s) waits, usually crying. Then, you change the other baby. You feed one baby–or sometimes, both at the same time, eventually feeding yourself. You dress your babies and dress yourself. By the time this is all done, it’s time for them to nap.

Because of this new hectic schedule, new parents can often get lost when two or more babies arrive. There is often a separation between your life “before babies” and “after babies.” Before, you may have identified yourself as a career climber, writer, runner, caretaker of your pet or family, professional, reader, creative, etc. But, the logistics of balancing three or more people can take up the organizational, creative and emotional energy you used to have for writing, running, painting, talking or resting.

Organizing The Logistics Of Parenting Twins Or Multiples In Family Therapy

In our family therapy with new parents of twins or multiples, we know it’s a completely different experience raising two or more babies, even if you already have kids. Two or more babies’ needs are greater than one–just trying to get out of the house with twins or multiples is like running an army of sorts.

Getting the babies on the same feeding and napping schedule, in particular, can consume new parents of multiples. Managing these logistics can be isolating, even if you have help, and as with anything baby-related, things can become unpredictable, like your day-to-day schedule.  

In our family therapy practice, we start simple and let new parents express their day-to-day. Acknowledging the challenge of being a new parent of twins or multiples is an important process. There is a lot of judgment in parenting communities and we give you the opportunity to say, for example, “This is hard,” “I’m anxious all the time,” “I’m going bananas not sleeping,” “I get frustrated, sad, and feel isolated,” or “I feel like I’m just a cow–feeding but not connecting” without judgment. Just naming the struggle may shift your perspective on what is and isn’t working, helping you to reconfigure logistics so you can have the relationship you want with your family, your kids, your partner and yourself.

Parents of Twins Or Multiples Often Struggle With Asking for Help

The parents with twins or multiples we see in our family therapy practice swing one of two ways: they either ask for a ton of help or they try to do it all on their own. They can get stuck around continuing to ask for help or slowing down to ask what they themselves need both as parents and individuals. In our practice, we want parents to know it’s okay to ask (or hire) a lot of helpers. A tip we particularly like is encouraging a friend when they come over to visit to help out. Helping can be a new way of hanging out.

Parents can also struggle for asking for help because they may not even know they need it. A therapist can be an outside observer of what is sustainable and what isn’t. For example, a mom may try to do it all–care for the babies, make baby food, work and keep the apartment clean, but she’s up at night with anxiety. As a savvy person, you can quickly convince yourself to take it all on. And usually, you can handle it, up until that moment when you can’t.

Maintaining Your Relationship As A Couple While Parenting Twins Or Multiples

New parents of twins or multiples are often overwhelmed. This is normal. It is difficult for most people to adjust to one newborn, let alone two or more. This puts couples to the test–the couple often gets pushed to the side. Family therapy can allow you to talk through what is coming up in your relationship and how to maintain the couple between juggling babies, work, social lives and family.

With two or more babies, life gets messy fast. You’re not sleeping enough, eating enough and don’t have time to talk to your partner like you once did. You’re in a fog of sorts and this can affect your relationship. We give parents a place to reconnect, share their love story and look at what hard work they’re doing–and not doing–so well. More than an opportunity to acknowledge the changes–the good, the hard, the bad and the messy–that came after the babies arrived, therapy can help couples find ways to negotiate and collaborate on a different way of being together.

Yes, Couples With Twins And Multiples Need To Talk Sex

Figuring out a different way of being together as a couple raising twins or multiples includes sex. We encourage parents to talk about how in the world to have sex again after two or more babies enter their lives–what they need both emotionally and physically. Sex is a common issue that comes up for moms of twins or multiples because it takes longer to recover from the pregnancy. Sex is also often off the table when a mom is pregnant with twins or multiples. There’s a lot to negotiate around sex and your relationship, and it’s not always sexy. But, talking about sex in therapy can help lay out how to re-enter this part of your relationship.

Having Twins or Multiples Can Also Shift Your Family Dynamics

Maybe this is your first time as a parent–or it’s your second, third or beyond. Having twins or multiples can be very different for parents who already have kids. The challenge here is shifting family dynamics. Your family has now doubled and there is often–at least for the time being–less detailed attention being paid to other children. This might be difficult for your babies’ older siblings.

For example, a parent may have an older child who is having trouble adjusting to their new siblings, “acting out” at home and school. What he or she may need is a place to talk about who they are in the family, how they feel about the babies and help Mom and Dad understand why they are angry. The older child may just need their parents to hear them.

In family therapy, we support these conversations both in and out of the therapy office, giving attention to other family member’s individual experiences separate from the new babies. Older siblings may feel that their world has changed and no one asked them. It’s important to both spend time with other family members, as well as encourage non-pressured bonding time with the new babies.

If My Kids Don’t Come To Therapy, Why Why Do You Still Call It Family Therapy?

In our therapy room, it might be you, you and your partner, you and your older kid or kids, or a combination depending on your needs. Even though the kids may not be in session, you and your family therapist are working on the family system, which has been forever changed by the arrival and last few weeks or months of having new twin or multiple babies in your life. As family therapists, we find it’s essential to name the impact raising twins or multiples can have on the family system.

Even if your babies or older kids stay home, family therapy cares for the whole family. Even seeking out family therapy for just one or two people in the family can both support and create better ways forward for the whole system. With family therapy, the family system gets the care, attention and breath of fresh air both it and you need.  

Just Getting To Family Therapy As A Parent Of Twins Or Multiples Is A Big Deal

Ultimately, the big challenge of parenting twins or multiples–once you figure out the logistics–is having enough emotional space for everyone in your family, including yourself. It’s important to take time to negotiate what is coming up for you as a parent and a person when you are taking on two or more babies, as well as dealing with expectations from family and the emotions of being there for two or more people who need you at the same time (as well as at different times).  

This is why we recognize it’s a big deal to take time for family therapy as a parent of twins or multiples–just getting out of the house takes a lot of planning. Your time is tight and even though logistically it takes a lot, family therapy is well worth it for your family's emotional health. Family therapy can be the place where your family and you can dig deeper and get creative. Getting to therapy is the start of that development.  

Hiring a sitter or asking a family member for help so you can come to therapy to be alone with yourself and your therapist is an emotional process. It can be a challenge to admit, “I need this too. I’m struggling and I need to address this,” or “Something’s not quite right. This is harder than I expected and the help I’m getting isn’t quite the help I need.” Even though you are capable and creative, it’s an important step to acknowledge that you are also feeling at a loss, anxious, tired, unsure and in need of more for you and your family.