Do I need a therapist who shares my identity?

a therapist with a matching identity isn’t necessarily the only option for a good fit

As a therapist, I often find myself curiousabout the concept of seeking out a “good fit” in a therapist. Of course, certain factors feel less malleable like who takes your insurance or where an office is located. But what about other aspects you specifically look for in a therapist you feel must be the best fit for you?

Identity, however consciously or unconsciously, certainly comes into play at this stage. There is a curious way in which individuals can frequently assume that the most desirable option is to hunt down and work with a therapist of the same, similar, or at least overlapping identity, whether race, ethnicity, gender, sexuality, something else that feels particularly salient, or an intersecting combination of these. 

In some ways, I’m thrilled to celebrate this. It means the field of therapy is diversifying with more therapists of varying identities, more people from different backgrounds seeking therapy, and a heavier push toward prioritizing culturally competent care. This is all movement in an exciting direction. However, a therapist with a matching identity isn’t necessarily the best and only option available for developing a deep, meaningful therapy relationship. In fact, it’s worth pausing and considering what inviting more difference could offer your therapy, as well as the role identity plays in your life and relationships.

seeking a therapist with a shared identity relates to real concerns about trust and safety 

There are very real reasons behind a desire for a therapist with a shared identity—countless experiences of having a cultural reality dismissed or overlooked or feeling like a therapist just doesn’t get where you’re coming from. This can be particularly important for people with identities that have led to feelings and experiences of being chronically unsafe. In cases where there is a great and often well-founded fear, mistrust, or trauma associated with a marginalized identity, seeking out a shared sense of how significant that identity is can be integral to building the trustand safety necessary for therapy.

While these concerns are understandable, a therapist doesn’t have to come from your culture to be able to work in a way that is culturally competent. In fact, ANY good therapist must have the knowledge, skills, and awareness to be able to navigate these cultural dynamics, including similarities and differences.

difference in the therapy relationship can encourage deeper curiosity about how difference affects your other relationships

In my experience, working with patients from different cultural backgrounds and identities from mine has invited a new level of curiosity for how these differences play out in our relationship and other parts of patients’ lives. I find Audre Lorde’s discussion of difference as something that shouldn’t be “merely tolerated, but seen as a fund of necessary polarities between which our creativity can spark a dialectic” especially relevant to therapy. For Lorde, it’s through difference that “the power to seek new ways of being in the world generate…” Similarly, in therapy, new ways of being can emerge from an exploration of difference in how patients locate themselves in the world and relate to other people.

A lot of relational conflict arises out of differences, whether cultural or otherwise, and may not be dealt with very effectively in “the real world” (aka outside the therapy room). The beauty of therapy is that the relationship between a therapist and patient is very real, offering a relationship in which feelings, assumptions, and other emotional experiences can be looked at in a safe, contained way.

Differences arising in the context of therapy can create the possibility for exploration, whether feelings of anger, discomfort, or fear, or ingrained assumptions about people different from you. For instance, a white patient can newly consider ways they’ve been privileged in social power hierarchies and systems when sitting in a room with and developing a dynamic with a therapist of color. Likewise, a queer patient might navigate the world holding a lot of anger and resentment at heteronormative systems they struggle with. Seeing a straight therapist could raise some of these feelings in the room, offering an impetus to understand and work through them. By better understanding these feelings, you can make changes in the way you relate to difference in the therapy relationship, which can, then, reflect out to other relationships.

a presumption of sameness can sometimes mean skipped steps in exploring shared cultural experiences

While a therapist from the same culture may be coming into therapy with more preexisting knowledge, this is not always a bonus. Their knowledge may be based on experiences that are entirely different than yours. In fact, there may be more differences than meets the eye. Even within a race or ethnicity, there can be distinctions in cultural or religious backgrounds or class that make their lived experience quite distinct. So too with sexuality or gender.

Sometimes with therapists and patients of the same or similar identities, there can be a pull to presume knowledge that can hinder curiosity. For example, a Latina patient may speak about the role of machismo in her family. This may be met with fewer questions from a therapist of a similar cultural background who assumes they experienced the same things in their family. Glossing over these differences and falsely presuming shared experiences for different individuals, which can happen on both the therapist’s and patient’s ends, can be limiting to therapy and can result in skipped steps. Instead, even with a therapist who seems to share your identity, this too is an opportunity to be curious about and navigate the differences that exist.

whether the same or different identities, seeking a therapist is an opportunity to learn about the role identity plays in your life and relationships

This is not to warn against seeking a therapist with a matching identity or to say that’s a “wrong” or “bad” choice. What is ultimately key is to remain curious about this want. Taking note of a drive to connect with a therapist of a certain identity can be used to spark questions about yourself and how this shows up in other relationships. What can seeking out a therapist with a certain identity tell you about the role of identity in your life? Especially in a place as diverse as New York, how can you take note of this wish and use it to examine how identity plays out in your relationships?

Your relationship with your therapist—even during the process of finding a therapist—is an avenue to learn so much about how you are in the world. For instance, the self-protective instinct as seen in finding a therapist with the same identity could be something that is serving you well in keeping you away from potentially exploitative relationships. Conversely, it could also be limiting you and your choices to form meaningful connections with others. It’s challenging to discover the role identity plays in your life and where that stems from without moving through the steps of exploration and curiosity. This is one way to jump into that process as you search for a therapist who is a “good fit” to share it with.