How We Talk About Narcissism Misses the Ways It Can Be Essential
April 25, 2024
Despite social media’s fixation on narcissists, narcissism isn’t all bad
If you’re going by therapists and other mental health influencers on TikTok, we are experiencing a wave of narcissism. In these posts, suggesting that someone is a “narc” or a narcissist is often a stand-in for all manner of unpleasant behaviors and character traits, few of which have any relationship with the clinical concept of narcissism or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Even when the characteristics are aligned, the narcissist is cast in the role of “the other”—the difficult-to-bear, selfish, entitled person who makes the lives of the intended audience miserable.
While the social media discussion about narcissists lacks a lot of nuance, including avoiding any indication that an excess of narcissism is accompanied by a good deal of suffering or that those pointing out narcissists may themselves be struggling with narcissism, it also misses a bigger point about the definition of narcissism itself. Narcissism isn’t just not all bad; in healthy amounts, it can be essential for survival.
We have a language problem in how we talk about narcissism
When we talk about narcissism, we are commonly—and increasingly—referring to extreme personalities. Narcissism itself isn’t necessarily pathological, but it’s so often used as a pejorative for negative behaviors that the idea of narcissism being normal and healthy (and can even be underdeveloped in some cases) is frequently lost in the conversation. What we have here is a language problem.
In particular, there is a question of degrees. Narcissism refers to the sense we all have of ourselves. It’s the regard we hold ourselves in, the ways that we focus (and sometimes fixate) on ourselves. When you say someone is “being narcissistic,” you are implying a level of obsessiveness, which most people can be prone to. Most of us can get stuck focusing on and worrying about ourselves.
More seriously, to say someone is “a narcissist” in a clinical psychopathology context or has what is termed in the DSM as Narcissistic Personality Disorder is to suggest they have an impairment in narcissism that is severe enough to cause problems in how they are operating in the world. To be clear, extreme, unself-conscious narcissism is a problem for both the person and their peers, families, friends, coworkers, and others around them. Conversely, though, there is also such a thing as a lack of healthy narcissism and tolerating too much mistreatment (Think Phyllis from The Office). Such a person may hold themselves in too low a regard and find it difficult to assert themselves against an onslaught of disappointment.
Healthy narcissism is a key to surviving the slights and disappointments of the world
Healthy narcissism might be another word for grit or a feature that can uphold grit. It can also indicate a level of focus on oneself—paying attention to how we come off and focusing on presentation and appearance. Not too long ago, I was on the subway with a handful of boys from a Manhattan Catholic school. Several were boasting about how they were better at their position in a sport and that they could kick this other one’s ass. Several were, like Narcissus, looking in the subway glass to adjust their hair or simply, it seemed, to see if they looked “right.” We can imagine such behaviors getting out of control: the verbal jockeying of who is the better player becoming a harmful obsession (working out to utter exhaustion or unfettered disappointment if he doesn’t make the cut) or causing harm to another (a kidney punch to a rival during a drill). But some measure of this cockiness, surety, and “Ok, I’m alright” is essential to surviving adolescence.
And surviving in general. The world is full of difficult things. To live is to be disappointed, wronged, overlooked, rejected, and scorned, alongside the joys of being loved, desired, and valued. Fundamentally, narcissism, both healthy and disordered, is a defense against these slights and disappointments, both real and imagined and both current and historical. Of course, there is a line between picking oneself up and getting back in the game versus playing selfishly and throwing elbows in disregard for others’ needs and feelings. However, “I’m important,” “I’m a badass,” or “It doesn’t matter that I didn’t land that sale. I’m going to nail the next pitch” are pretty great strategies for success.
For example, when you fail to land a job you were hoping for, it’s a wound to your ego. It feels bad. A healthy defense in this case might be to tell yourself: “I’m pretty great. It doesn’t matter. I think I might be better than that job anyway.” It’s not hard to imagine such a defense being overwrought and impairing an individual’s ability to healthily work through rejection, but a measure of narcissism can go a long way to help you hang in there when working through disappointment.
