Founder and Clinical Director Matt Lundquist Discusses the Many Struggles of FOMO on WNYC's All Of It with Alison Stewart

When we think of FOMO or the fear of missing out, we often imagine disappointment about a missed concert or envy at a friend’s big trip to Europe. Even though the acronym can sometimes fetishize the feeling, rendering it a consumable commodity (“I missed out but at least that means I have this cool, relatable thing called FOMO”), FOMO can indicate deeper struggles with isolation and a fear of being not being included. Our Founder and Clinical Director Matt Lundquist recently appeared on WNYC’s All Of It with Alison Stewart to discuss the many different facets and fears of missing out.

In the segment “How to Combat Summer FOMO, or Fear of Missing Out,” Matt points out that FOMO can refer to both “the experience of feeling like other people are living sexier, more extravagant, more interesting lives” and “a sense of…my friends, people in my friend group, or maybe my family are doing some things without me.” The latter especially, Matt notes, can be “very personal…and disruptive.” Some of the reasons people can miss out may also be related to larger structural issues that impact their lives such as “financial limitations,” “immigration status,” and “different kinds of disability.”

Even though the experience of FOMO can be quite painful at times, part of FOMO derives from consumerism—a false sense of scarcity (“Hurry now so you don’t miss out. There’s a limited-time offer to buy this thing that we’re selling”). The assumption here is if you miss out on this concert, there won’t be another (and twelve others after that). However, fun is not a commodity and neither are inclusion and connection. Though they can be scarce, consumerism can’t fix that scarcity. That being said, we can find ourselves in moments where our lives are lacking fun. Missing out (like on that concert) pokes this bruise—it reminds us of the lack of fun in our lives—but consumerism quickly asserts that THIS is the solution. Maybe it would help. But the larger issue—and the harder work—is learning to create fun that decouples from things that cost money, developing the kind of social relationships where the co-creation of fun (rather than the co-creation of envy) is what’s valued.

There are also occasions when we can miss out on something deeply meaningful and these missings must be grieved. Take, for instance, a soldier not making it to her mom’s funeral because she’s serving abroad and can’t take time off, a man missing a child’s first steps because he’s in rehab, a young adult not being able to attend college away from home due to financial limitations, or, as a WNYC caller mentioned, a person who is not able to attend certain social activities because of a suppressed immune system. Consumer culture offers a false solution here—that even if we do “miss out,” there’s something we can do to “make up for it.” This is a fantasy that we don’t have to grieve. Of course, when we are in pain, we desperately want to be relieved of that pain. But the desire for relief doesn’t mean that it’s possible.

In some cases, FOMO can be understood as a deeper struggle, perhaps one with its origins in childhood trauma, including abuse or abandonment. Feelings we have in response to a given situation often co-mingle with old feelings that vibrate with a similar frequency. For instance, feelings of isolation and missing out can raise, as Matt describes, “experiences of being left out or a fear of being left out that can go back to being a young child but has a kind of primitive psychology to it.” Infants and young children are deeply dependent on adults for survival, as well as social connection and support. Missing out can feel like the end of the world because there may have been a time when you were terribly dependent and believed it was. And so, a struggle with FOMO may be the evocation of feelings about much more painful historical losses beyond missing out in the present whether growing up in a family where scarcity was a tactic of manipulation (all the kids can go to the movies but not you as “punishment”) or very real scarcity (an alcoholic parent who wasn’t available to drive to soccer games or RSVP to birthday parties). This is likely where therapy is warranted.