Whether Marriage Therapy, Couples Therapy, Or Relationship Counseling, Every Couple Needs Something Different
Whether you call it marriage counseling, couples therapy, or relationship counseling, what you’re signing up for is inviting a collaborator–a couples therapist–into the life of your relationship to help you and your partner grow.
Just as every individual who comes to therapy at our Lower Manhattan and Park Slope, Brooklyn therapy offices or invites a therapist into their home through phone or video chat sessions needs something different, so do the needs of each couple vary from relationship to relationship. We view the premise of couples therapy as three individuals (each partner, plus the couples therapist) coming together to create the help. Do you need a mediator? Or someone to be the tough with you both? Is the relationship suffering from a failure to communicate well? Do you need to be able to do couples counseling remotely? You may or may not have ideas about just what sort of help you need (and you and your partner may have very different ideas), but to start, rather than plugging you into a pre-set program, we’ll learn more about what’s going on and create the plan together.
Let’s be honest: In couples therapy, we’re not kidding around here
If you and your partner are seeking couples therapy, it’s likely there’s a good reason, and you probably don’t have the time to work back through the history of your relationship and analyze the details of your personality. Sure, some of that will likely be a necessary part of getting great help, but you won’t need to hang around for weeks before we’re able to get to work.
We can handle the tough stuff
Violence, anger, drugs and alcohol, and infidelity can all challenge a relationship and if they’re a part of the picture, we need to get honest about that. These are all issues that can be confronted in work with a skilled therapist. When everyone’s committed to doing the work, being open about the ways the relationship has been hurtful (the hurt that’s been received and the hurt that’s been given), there’s room for tremendous growth.
All kinds of relationships in couples therapy
Our couples therapists, who work in person at our NYC therapy center’s offices in Tribeca and Park Slope, Brooklyn, as well as remotely via phone and video conferencing, come from all walks of life and we assume you do too. While what’s critical is having a couples therapist who will do the work to get to know your relationship, we won’t need a dictionary to understand the basics of:
- Second marriages
- Same-sex relationships
- Long-term relationships not defined by marriage
- Blended families
- Mixed-race marriages and relationships
- Open relationships
- Relationships with a large disparity in age
- Transgender or gender-nonconforming members of a relationship
Getting started with couples therapy
While many couples come into our offices or call into teletherapy and video chat therapy ready to get to work, there’s understandably a good deal of apprehension around getting started with couples therapy. Often one partner is more comfortable with the idea than the other, and that’s par for the course. The biggest challenge is making the first session happen:
- The initial phone call or email: When reaching out before a first couples therapy session, share enough to gauge whether you want to make an initial appointment, but be aware that, unless both of you are on the phone, it may be best to share little beyond the essentials in this conversation so your first encounter with the therapist gives both of you the chance to present the relationship.
- The first session: You only need to commit to one session of couples therapy to start–not sign up for a whole course of therapy. This will take some of the pressure off of finding the perfect fit before the first therapy session. Bring an open mind, but also your questions and concerns to that first session. That said, be wary of using the first session just as an interview. Be open to doing some work together–that’s the best way to learn how the couples therapist works and get a sense of whether he or she is the right fit for you.
- Getting the session in the books: And, of course, for busy New Yorkers, starting couples therapy can be a logistical challenge. Be prepared to get creative with scheduling and as ready as you can be to make some adjustments in work and childcare scheduling to make it work. We’ll do our best to provide as many options as possible, and have day and evening appointments when needed. While we are an in-person practice, we also do phone and video couples counseling.
How long will couples therapy take?
Of course, this is impossible to answer, but there are a few principles we follow that may help bring clarity to that question:
- Getting right to work: In any therapy, we want to roll up our sleeves and get right to work. We’re not interested in a long, slow exploration of each partner’s emotional issues. Sure, we want to understand who both of you are, but we recognize that you’re not coming for help if something isn’t working and we want to get serious, right away, at helping the relationship grow.
- A short-term proposition: In that spirit, couples therapy is always best conceived of as short-term therapy. In good couples therapy, the relationship gets the help it needs to grow–learning how to communicate well, how to disagree productively, how to get needs met, and address difficult issues. Through that process, vulnerabilities that each member of the relationship brings to the table are identified or exposed in new ways. While there’s no formula, individual therapy is often the best place to work on those issues.
- The team decides: You can expect your couples therapist to regularly engage the question of how the couples therapy is going and be sure it’s continuing to add value to the relationship. While your therapist may have recommendations, the decision for how long to continue with the couples therapy is up to the team.
Is it weird to seek couples therapy if we aren’t married?
No. In fact, only about half of the couples we see for couples therapy are married. There are all kinds of relationships, and all sorts of reasons for seeking help.
We’re not certain we plan to stay together. Does that mean we’re not ready for couples therapy?
In good couples therapy, the question of whether or not both people in the relationship are committed to continue has to be discussed, however uncomfortable that may be. While a couples therapist won’t tell you what to do, if there’s uncertainty we can help explore the viability of the relationship as one that can meet everyone’s needs in the present and down the line as a growthful, sustaining relationship.
We don’t really have “problems” but still feel like we need some therapy.
Problems can be a tricky pitfall in therapy: We tend to understand a pre-condition of therapy as “having problems.” Sometimes that’s clear (we fight a lot, we deeply disagree about fundamental matters) and sometimes there’s not much “wrong”–no problems, per se–and yet one or both participants in the relationship want more. More intimacy. More fun. More variety. Better sex. More freedom. A better partnership as parents. What’s great in these cases is that the work can be driven not by problems but by wanting–a powerful force for growth if we let it.
I’m worried we’re just going to fight the whole time. Isn’t that a waste of your time?
You won’t fight the whole time. We promise. As part of the process of sorting through the challenging stuff of the relationship sometimes intense feelings will come out–they need to. The job of a great couples therapist is to provide a place where that can happen, but also ensure it won’t get out of control.
The relationship of your dreams? (Seeing past idealism and celebrating imperfection.)
Your relationship isn’t perfect, and you’re probably smart enough to know perfection isn’t what couples therapy is all about. But still, the ideal–the pressure of trying to match that ideal of a relationship that seems perfect–can get intense. This is part of why couples therapy is so hard: It seems like relationships shouldn’t be such a struggle, and that they aren’t this hard for other couples.
In admitting that you need help, you’re taking the first step to giving up on idealism, and moving towards building a better, real relationship. Why is this so important? Idealism is all about what things should be, and it’s shaped by movies and books, imagining we know what other people’s relationships are like and other forms of mythology.
These idealistic ideas creep in:
- My partner and I should never fight.
- I should trust my partner no matter what (what’s wrong with me if I have doubts?).
- We should have an easier time making sex fun and meaningful.
- I shouldn’t ever think about leaving.
- We shouldn’t have to work this hard.
None of these sentiments are grounded in the hard, day-to-day reality of making relationships work. In great couples therapy, we root out these ideals and the ways they can interfere with creating an actual, messy, imperfect, but wonderful, loving relationship. When we move the shoulds out of the way, we can get real and get to work.
A Couple Is A Culture
We find it helpful for couples to think of their relationship and family not just as a few individuals, but as a type of system–a culture within the broader culture that has been shaped over time by its members. Each individual partner also comes from the culture of their particular family, and the values and norms that came with it. We work to help couples realize that the creation of a relationship and a family is the act of creating a new culture. As with any culture, the collective members (i.e. the couple or family) can make explicit choices that define that culture. We help couples and families question what culture they want to create and help them build it.
Couples therapy is seriously hard work
Most therapists, if they’re honest, will tell you that couples therapy is among the most challenging work they do. At TriBeCa Therapy, your couples therapist will help put out the fires, establish conditions for productively sorting through the fog, create a relationship where everyone can grow and find a way to connect with both you and your partner, and navigate the land mines you’ve laid for each other. That’s not easy: Everyone needs to be heard, to not feel “ganged up on,” and yet, it’s equally important that everyone be honest about what isn’t working and why so we can go about changing that.
Couples therapy is hard work for those of you in the relationship too. Signing up for couples therapy, whether in our Lower Manhattan or Park Slope, Brooklyn offices or virtually, probably means having your partner expose some of your messier stuff, while having to take a look at it not just on your own terms, but on the terms the relationship needs.
If you’re ready to get started, let us know.