Lying Isn’t All Bad: Why and How to Be Curious When Your Kids Don’t Tell the Truth
May 22, 2024
Therapy with children: Kids lie for many reasons and parents should be curious about what lies communicate
We all lie—to ourselves and, in turn, to others. Adults lie for many different reasons, whether denying or avoiding a truth, convincing ourselves of something we want to believe, or protecting ourselves from a painful reality. So too with kids. In my therapy with children, the reasons why kids lie are as complex and as nuanced as adults. Depending on where they are developmentally and how expressing emotions is demonstrated by the adults in their lives, kids can struggle with making sense of their feelings. Lying, then, can become a way to communicate fears, feelings, or emotional needs that aren’t being met.
This is why, rather than jumping to immediately reprimand or scold, parents should move toward a kid to understand what the lying is trying to communicate. Direct questions like “Can you tell me about what’s really going on?” or “I think you’re upset about x, y, or z. Can we talk about it?” can open a flow of communication and model honesty. Being curious about a child’s lying (“Is there a reason you lied? Have I let you down in the past when you’ve told me the truth?”) is an opportunity to learn more about what they’re expressing and needing. In this, reassurance that the truth can be handled can be especially important.
Although the why is usually specific to each instance and each kid, there are common threads behind kids’ lying that I come across in therapy with children. To jumpstart these discussions, here are four things kids’ lies can communicate, along with how parents can respond:
1. A wish or a hope that a child’s current reality can’t hold
In my therapy with children, I find that lies for many kids communicate a wish or a fantasy that they have in response to not getting a need met. This need could be emotional, relational, mental, or physical. Lying becomes a way of creating an aspect of reality they wish was real or gaining control over how others see them—owning a toy they want but don’t have, doing well on an exam they struggled with, or feeling “okay” when they’re nervous about friends at school. Lying can be used to ease the discomfort that comes with confronting a painful reality. Take, for example, a kid who tells their friends that their father is dead when he is still alive but absent. There is a wish here that their father could be more present, but it is too painful to admit to others that he’s alive but not around. It is also an expression of their anger and hurt that they are unable to tolerate so they “kill off” their father who represents their anger and hurt.
The truth is reality is hard and kids especially can struggle with fully making sense of the more difficult parts of reality. It can be helpful for parents to take time to explain what is making up the reality that a kid is trying to block or avoid feeling by lying. This can be a chance to put into words what emotions or feelings a child may be expressing or reacting to that they are having trouble tolerating. To return to the example of an absent dad, a parent could say, “Hey, I noticed you mentioned your dad. Has it been difficult adjusting to your dad being away?” Similarly, for a kid who lied about doing better on a test, a parent can offer, “I know it can be embarrassing to fail a test, but that’s something we can talk about.”
2. A need for attention
Other times, kids may lie to receive the attention they are longing for from their parents, family members, or other adults. These lies are usually made knowing full well that adults will eventually find out. What is at play here is a subconscious wish that their parent or other adult will notice the lie, which leads to receiving the attention that they crave. When a kid is lacking in emotional connection or holding in these relationships, lying becomes a means for them to gain the attention that they feel is deprived or missing.
Attention-seeking is normal and, in fact, good for kids to do. It's common for kids to test out different methods to get attention, even unhelpful ones like lying. For parents, give attention while teaching kids better ways of asking for your attention. Simply comment on the behavior like “I think you’re trying to tell me it’s time for us to spend some time together.” Through verbalizing a kid’s actions, there is an opportunity for the connection they seek.
3. A fear of punishment or other negative repercussions
A fear of being punished, scolded, or shamed by parents or other adults is also a motivating factor when kids lie in therapy with children. The more a kid has historically been met with yelling, anger, or shaming when telling the truth or even, expressing feelings a certain way, the greater the possibility that they will lie in the future or withhold their honest emotions. In these cases, a lie can feel better than telling the truth as it can absolve some of the tension that comes with the fear and uncertainty around how an adult may respond to the truth. Lying protects them from what has happened previously when they expressed themselves honestly.
Punishment is a necessary part of parenting and helps kids learn wrong from right by setting limits. However, it’s important to consider if the punishment makes sense for the direct offense of “wrongdoing” committed. Reasonable punishment can be a moment for a kid to reflect and learn something. Parents should find ways to connect with their kid about how the punishment may be hard to receive. For instance, say, “I know this limit may be difficult to understand and I can tell you’re mad at me. Also, know that I love you and this is coming from a caring place.”
4. A fear their truth or true feelings will be dismissed or judged
Frequently when adult patients recall memories of lying when they were children, they explain they sensed that their parent couldn’t tolerate the truth about a feeling or incident. If a topic has been dismissed by a parent, a child will feel less inclined to share a feeling or experience out of fear of not being taken seriously or being met with judgment. The lie can be more about hiding a truth or not mentioning details rather than a complete untruth. A child may say they are “fine,” even though they are scared and upset about an incident at school, because when they previously let their parent in on an emotional experience, the parent may have responded with a dismissive and invalidating tone such as, “You’re making yourself feel those things. Just suck it up and move on.” Another example is a child overhears their parents criticizing or ridiculing a part of their identity or experience, which leads them to withhold information about parts of themselves. The child lies to avoid feeling unheard, misunderstood, or getting their feelings hurt.
In these instances, parents should take time for self-reflection: Why do you hold this judgment? Where does it come from? How is this stance hindering connection with your kid? Parents can consider the ways they’ve contributed to the relational dynamic where their child didn’t trust them enough to share a truth. Therapy, whether individual, family therapy, or a combination of both, can be especially helpful here. A therapist can encourage looking at judgments through different perspectives and lenses in order to understand how these judgments can be problematic, including in the relationship with your child.
