Siblings Can Have Different Stories of Childhood: Family Therapy Can Help Complicate the Narrative

Even though they might have the same parents, siblings can have wildly differing narratives of the same family experiences. These discrepancies can have a lasting effect on adult siblings’ relationships, sometimes perpetuating years of conflict. Our Director of Supervision and Training Kelly Scott spoke with NPR about how working through these diverging stories in family therapy can be clarifying and healing for adult siblings.

While there is often a good amount of shared experiences among siblings, Kelly explains in the segment “All grown up, but still fighting? Why more siblings are turning to therapy, together” on NPR: “Every sibling has different parents. Every sibling has a different upbringing.” For instance, siblings can have differing experiences of a loss such as the death of a parent. Often these perspectives are dependent on their age and role in the family at the time of the loss. The impact on the family may also not be an understanding all the siblings share, which can become a source of contention as siblings age. 

When we’re kids, narratives are often simplistic and black-and-white—one person is right while the other is wrong. However, in families, the story is always much more complex. Even so, childhood years are formative and have a tremendous influence on who a person becomes and how they grow into adulthood. If a brother grows up thinking his older sister was a bully, for example, and she grew up believing her younger siblings were favored, that’s a set-up for ongoing bad feelings. As siblings get older and create their own lives, distance and resentment stemming from these differences in stories can create conflict that goes unaddressed and unresolved.

How can siblings untangle and work through this conflict? Family therapy for adult siblings can be of particular use, helping siblings examine these stories together and complicate the narrative. Granted, as Kelly observes on NPR, family therapy is sometimes an under-considered option for adult siblings. “People just don’t perceive those relationships as needing the type of attention one might bring a spouse or a child,” she says. Much of this has to do with how we relate to the sibling relationship as, Kelly notes, “You’re stuck with me. We’re always going to be family. You can’t actually leave me.”

Working with a family therapist for adult siblings offers a chance to look at and talk about old feelings, share stories, and invite additional perspectives. By bringing both their child and adult selves into the conversation, siblings can deepen their understanding of themselves, each other, and their families. Family therapy can also help siblings find the love and compassion in their relationships that may have suffered for many years.