Gen Z Is Closer to Parents Than Ever: Make Sure Your Closeness Isn’t a Solution for Fear
April 26, 2024
Young adults remain more closely connected to their parents for longer than ever
There has been a lot of recent press about parents and their young adult children remaining closely connected for a much longer time than has been the case traditionally. A lot of reasons likely account for this such as financial struggle, life and career disruptions caused by the pandemic, and folks seeking romantic partners later in life. But while having a close relationship with your parents can be both helpful and enjoyable, sometimes it can be driven by a less healthy reason: fear.
Healthy parents are a source of comfort and soothing when we’re young: Sometimes young adults fearfully hold onto these familiar relationships
Parent-child relationships start out very simple under healthy circumstances. When you’re an infant, those relationships are a one-way street. At the most fundamental level, the relationships exist to keep you fed, safe, and alive. When these relationships are working well, parents can offer lots of healthy physical closeness, comfort, and soothing, and you learn that your parents are a reliable source of protection, security, and stability. Knowing you can count on them, you can develop the courage to take more risks (A first step! A new friend! Going to preschool!). This is a healthy and normal part of individuation, the process of forming an identity and a sense of self that’s separate from our parents. Learning you can do things without your parents builds self-confidence, resilience, and creativity.
Sometimes, though, this process of separating and individuating is delayed, prolonged, or even avoided altogether. Fear can be a reason this happens, whether a young adult is frightened about making decisions for themselves, worried about making consequential mistakes, or scared of being lonely. In these cases, parents are an appealing source of comfort and connection. These are familiar and predictable relationships so there’s an understandable draw to return to what is known.
The line between closeness and dependence can blur in unhelpful ways with young adults and parents
While these relationships may seem protective and soothing for young adults, there is a distinction to be made between closeness and dependence. Sometimes the line between them gets very blurry. While an infant has to rely on a parent in non-negotiable ways, closeness in adult relationships is a choice that requires two autonomous people to decide to give and receive vulnerability and create intimacy together as a mutual activity. Dependence can both look and feel like closeness, and being reliant on another person has a way of feeling like a delicious luxury, a return to childhood.
However, this can quickly turn into emotional enmeshment, meaning one’s well-being is dependent on someone else’s well-being, overinvolvement in a young adult’s life, and ultimately, a dynamic of infantilization. All of this can ironically reinforce the very things the young adult is afraid of. Remaining dependent on a parent sends a message that growing up is dangerous, scary, and out of reach. There is a reason why Peter Pan is a compelling character. The idea of staying young forever, your safety and well-being being someone else’s responsibility (your parents’), and never having to contend with loss and hardship and loneliness can be very appealing.
When you stay a child dependent on parents, you can’t form adult relationships
When you’re stuck in the belief that you need to stay in the protected safety of a parent-child relationship instead of growing up and developing your own life, you can’t really form adult relationships. And that means you are limiting yourself in the amount of intimacy, happiness, and satisfaction you can experience.
Relating to yourself as a child essentially means offering others an underdeveloped version of yourself. This often looks like not knowing how to offer care to others, struggling with accountability, and not being able to own your contributions to problems and conflict. It also robs you of the joy of working through hard things with another person, feeling proud of yourself, and having confidence in your ability to continue to grow into a healthier and more loving iteration of yourself.
The big question for young adults: What am I trying to avoid?
When considering whether a relationship with parents is one of closeness or dependence made out of fear, a good question for young adults to consider is: What am I trying to avoid? Think about who or what is benefitting from this high level of connection.
Oftentimes, this isn’t so easy to parse out alone. Therapy can help you get honest with yourself about these relationships and what you may be avoiding by facilitating an exploration of feelings that might seem embarrassing, upsetting, or unpleasant. This can help you know yourself better so you can make more intentional decisions in your relationship as an adult that are better aligned with your values and goals.
