We Encourage People to Break up with Abusive Partners: We Should Do the Same for People Estranged from Families
December 20, 2023
In a culture that advocates for people to separate from abusive partners, estrangement is still taboo
“Tell me about your family. Are you super close with them? What are your parents like? Siblings?”
“Actually, I’m not really in contact with my family of origin…I’ve been estranged from them for the past several years.”
“Oh…”
Desperate to change the subject, no one knows what to say—the person who asked wishes they never did and the person who answers wishes they just lied. This is a common enough conversation recalled in my therapy practice around estrangement. Despite our culture increasingly prioritizing mental health and well-being, estrangement still remains taboo.
It shouldn’t be. We eagerly encourage people to divorce or separate from abusive partners. However, the same sentiment isn’t applied to families who can be equally harmful. Severing toxic family bonds is painful yet those who make this decision are frequently met with judgment, shame, and stigma. Like breaking up with an abusive partner, deciding not to have contact with family is a brave and difficult choice that can provide life-changing progress toward emotional healing and personal growth.
The idealization of family keeps people in harmful family dynamics
Why do we frequently endorse deciding to end an abusive romantic relationship but not severing family ties? Some of this may relate to the legal measures in place to protect partners in romantic relationships that are lacking for adult family units. However, the most influential reason for the aversion toward estrangement is the deep cultural and traditional notion of the sacredness of family. Family is idealized in our culture with a prevalent collective expectation that family ties must be resilient at all costs even though many individuals experience family relationships that are not loving, supportive, nurturing, or safe. There can be an expectation to preserve family ties out of moral duty and obligation regardless of the health of these relationships.
Our cultural resistance to estrangement rests on the societal assumption that family is invariably a source of care and love, making it challenging to face the painful possibility that family relationships can, in fact, be abusive. In particular, it can be deeply uncomfortable to imagine parents harming their children even though this is an experience that is very real. Acknowledging this harm defies a foundational confidence in the intrinsic goodness and integrity of family ties, pushing people to grapple with the hard truths of their own family relationships. It demands us to wrestle with the emotional weight of acknowledging that those who should have provided us with nurturance and love might have harmed us instead. This profound discomfort serves as a blockage to considering and accepting estrangement, shaping the hush-hush climate around this topic.
We also tend to put an even heavier focus on compromise and forgiveness in family relationships, particularly on reconciliation. The push toward reconciliation can dissuade people from addressing the dysfunction in their familial relationships. To be clear, reconciliation may be a viable solution in some circumstances, but it is not always beneficial or safe.
Considering family ties like romantic relationships means understanding they must come with conditions
Ultimately, this “family first” messaging propagates a detrimental narrative of compulsory family ties. Family estrangement doesn’t reject the value of the family. It does, however, challenge the notion that family bonds should be unconditional. All relationships should come with conditions.
When we consider family ties as not compulsory, we recognize that, just as any other meaningful relationships, family relationships must be grounded in certain conditions. This includes open and honest communication that sanctions expressions of feelings and needs, safety, freedom from punishment and harm, mutual emotional support and respect, and healthy boundaries. All relationships should be grounded in love, understanding, trust, and emotional health.
For instance, relationships grow where there is goodwill and mutual respect. This requires meeting one another with dignity, recognizing boundaries and each person’s independence. This must be balanced and two-sided. If a parent expects respect from an adult child, that adult child warrants respect as well.
Estrangement is a decision made in response to an unfeasible relationship that should be supported
When we see family relationships as conditional, we can begin to look seriously at these relationships. If conditions aren’t met, then we must consider and address the harm we are stuck in. Estrangement is a necessary response to an unfeasible relationship, one that shouldn’t be stigmatized.
Like when someone breaks up with an abusive partner, support systems become particularly essential when dealing with estrangement. This includes friends and “chosen family,” as well as therapy. Having a strong support system can meaningfully empower those confronting the complex landscape of family estrangement, galvanizing them to protect themselves from abuse and seek help and resources that bolster their well-being.
