Apologies aren’t always as straightforward as an attempt to open the door for reconnection
You will hurt the people you care about. Ideally, apologizing is a way to own this mistake and make it clear to the person you hurt that you recognize your transgression, take accountability for it, and assure you’ll do your best to ensure it won’t happen again. Hurting someone you care about puts a strain on your connection with them and apologizing can open a door for reconnection that might otherwise remain closed (or difficult to open).
Sometimes, however, apologizing isn’t so nice. It’s fairly easy to recognize obvious attempts at using an apology as a thinly veiled manipulation/non-apology such as “I’m sorry you feel that way,” or “I’m sorry you think I did this thing.” Yet, other times, apologies can place pressure on the hurt person in ways that aren’t so straightforward and identifiable.
Some apologies are used to try to quickly move on from the discomfort of causing hurt
In some occasions, apologies are used by the apologizer as a way to try to quickly smooth over or fix a situation rather than actually reflecting on what they did wrong or how they have affected the hurt person. For instance, these apologies can look like saying, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. I just said that because I was mad about x, y, or z,” or “Look, I’m sorry. Can we please drop this and move on?” These examples are acting on the presumption that by simply apologizing, the other person won’t—or shouldn’t—be upset anymore.
While this version may not be malicious, it’s about the transgressor wanting to feel better immediately rather than considering what transpired and being apologetic. In these instances, the apology centers the transgressor’s inability to tolerate the discomfort of knowing they upset someone else or the anxiety of causing strain on a relationship.
The hurt party becomes responsible for making the apologizer feel better
Often these apologies have the effect of causing the hurt person to feel further slighted. It places the responsibility of the transgressor’s feelings onto them; the person who caused the hurt is now seeking relief from discomfort from the person they hurt. It’s akin to saying, “Hey, I know I hurt you, but that makes me uncomfortable. I need you to accept/acknowledge my apology right now so I feel better.”
It is understandable to hope an apology will move the person you’ve hurt closer or toward a path of reconciliation. However, this can become harmful when an apology operates under the assumption or expectation of immediate forgiveness and/or repair of the strained connection. It’s not, nor should it ever be, the hurt person’s responsibility to hold or remedy someone else’s feelings of discomfort or anxiety over having done something hurtful.
