If I kicked you in the shin…

…your shin would hurt. And you’d probably be pissed at me. You might even curse. Or kick me back.

And if that happened, it wouldn’t make much sense to say that you had:

• A shin problem
• A pain problem
• An anger problem or
• A kicking problem

You’d have–well, you’d have a some-jerk-just-kicked-me-in-the-shin problem. Which would be a real problem.

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There’s a metaphor here, of course. A therapy metaphor. It seems that in matters of physical pain or physical transgression it’s relatively easy to sort through who’s responsible for what and just where the problem is located. Somehow when it comes to our emotional lives, things get distorted. When people piss us off or mistreat us and we get angry, we’re said to have an anger problem (and so need to work on our “anger issues“). When we feel stuck in our lives and feel frustrated, we have a frustration problem (and need to work on our “frustration tolerance”). But why are these couched as emotional problems?

If you’re mad, get mad

Everyone has to take responsibility for how they get mad. Even when we’re justified in our anger, we have to engage the question of what sort of response is decent. I find the opposite problem much more vexing: The tendency to hold back from expressing our anger out of fear that our anger isn’t appropriate. One potential consequence is that the justifiable anger gets suppressed. And suppressed. And suppressed. And the message is sent to the person who would rightly be the target of that would-be anger: “It’s OK to keep doing that.” And the pattern continues and the anger builds and builds until…

…pow!

It comes out because we just can’t keep it in anymore. And then, the original belief (“My anger is too big and scary and irrational”) sadly gets confirmed and the whole dangerous cycle starts over again (hurt… suppressed anger… suppressed anger… suppressed anger… pow!).

How do I get mad?

It’s one of the more frequent jokes-that’s-not-really-a-joke around my therapy office. I say, “We need to help you develop your anger,” and the patient replies, “Ha, ha! It’s pretty developed already!” The joke hangs on that word “developed.” Most people think there’s just one way to do anger (and it’s not a pretty way to do it).

A more developed relationship with anger means:

1. Getting angry sooner rather than later (so it doesn’t build and build, as above).
2. Making strong choices about how the anger comes out (dialing it in so it’s not too strong or turning the volume up so it’s not too soft).
3. Being able to make smart choices about when to let things go and when to raise it even knowing it may ruffle some feathers.
4. Artfully and powerfully dealing with the feedback from the person we get angry at.

OK, but isn’t anger/frustration/pain sometimes just irrational?

I know you don’t like it when I give this answer but the truth is, it depends. In fact, the way that it depends is incredibly important. Sometimes the scope of our reaction is disproportionate to the seeming scale of the infraction. (To stick with the metaphor, sometimes we get a mere scratch on the shin but writhe in pain.) Often the reaction, when that happens in the emotional realm, is a reaction something along the lines of “Whoa, dude, calm down! Chill!” So, in this sense, sure–sometimes our reactions of anger, frustration and so on are inconsistent with the seeming infraction. More often than not though, in my experience, it’s the tendency to do too little with the anger that’s the biggest source of trouble.

Abuse as training ground

In abusive relationships (and I use here “abuse” in fairly broad terms) the abuser has an interest in making the abused as easy to abuse as possible. When the abused is a child, these manipulations are relatively easy (which is why children are so often the targets for abuse). The message that gets conveyed, by an abusive parent or teacher, or by the schoolyard bully (or the workplace bully) is that the abuse is somehow deserved or that the target of the abuse is “overreacting” if he or she responds aggressively. Those who’ve been victims of this ongoing behavioral conditioning arrive at mistreatments with distorted ideas about what’s a fair and unfair response to that abuse, much too often erring on the side of suppressing their responses and even feeling bad for having them (never mind expressing them).

People will get mad at you for getting mad at them for kicking you in the shin

The nerve of some people! But we all know it’s true. Plenty of people might hurt your feelings but still have the ability to see and hear your response and, even if it’s not fun, understand why you’d be pissed. Sometimes this takes a few days and comes with some tough, awkward moments, but most people will come around. Still, there are always some who can’t handle it, who see it as their right to kick you in the shin and your duty to take it without complaint.

You’ve got to decide, as in any relationship that carries with it some measure of mistreatment, whether or not that’s a relationship worth continuing. It’s up to you. But if you do choose to stick around, you might consider wearing shin guards.