“A sane person to an insane society must appear insane.”
― Kurt Vonnegut, Welcome to the Monkey House
We are all travelers, in one sense or another. In some proportion, we spend time with the familiar and the unfamiliar, and we also have experiences with feelings of belonging and not belonging.
Reconciling that experience of “otherness” is no small feat. It is requisite for anyone who chooses to immerse himself or herself in experiences that are outside of his or her comfort zone. If you choose to live in New York, you’ve embraced this, willingly or not. If you desire to allow a diversity of human beings to enrich your life, you must sign up to spend time as the other.
There are choices available to us in regards to how we embrace this. Most often we aren’t even conscious about this choice. There is a sort of casting decision–what sort of other will I be? In a sense, we confront these experiences as either the astronaut or the alien. Are you the weirdo who is out of place (the alien) or are you a curious explorer eager to take in and learn more about these other people?
But, the choice isn’t one embedded in reality–it is not a difference. In fact, we are–in reality–both or either depending on how we and others choose to see it. The shift available in this choice is one of attitude. In a sense, you can embrace being out of place or stumble through it.
Being Alien In A Familiar Place
Sometimes, we feel like an alien in the most familiar of places: Our hometown or even, in our families. Being gay, perhaps, or having different politics from those around us can make us feel like outsiders. We have a choice to make in this though. We can decide what sort of other we want to be.
Families are probably the most familiar places wherein we spend time and yet, most of us have the experience of feeling out of place in them. Sometimes that feeling of being an alien in our family is quite strong. Perhaps we’re the only male, the sole introvert in a family of extroverts or the only vegan in family of carnivores.
When the “unfamiliar” is familiar
A common history for those who seek therapy is the experience of feeling other even in the context of a family or community, in which we’ve spend most of our lives. For them, feeling out of place is the norm–they assume they won’t fit in in most contexts. In many ways, the assumption the world makes is that these people, if they want to feel more confident among others, either need to spend as much of their time as possible with the small group of people who are “like them” (if such a group even exists) or that they should be expected to acclimate to the interests and attitudes of the larger group.
It is imperative to recognize that we have the choice. We can be the oldest person in the room or the only who doesn’t speak Urdu. The fact of that difference may be unavoidable. We all spend time as “the other.” But how do we want to inhabit that role? Must our otherness be performed as though we’re a sort of unwelcome guest or can we embrace it, bringing with it the mindset of a curious explorer.
