How To Leave Your Therapist

In my NYC therapy practice, I hear horror stories about my patient’s past therapists where they have wasted time and energy and even encountered some harm. It is disturbing enough to hear about the transgressions of those in my profession, but it is even more upsetting to hear that many of my patients stuck around and put up with this bad therapy.

Just because someone is a therapist, does not mean they are safe or ethical. Also therapy is very relational so sometimes a therapist and a patient are simply not a good match.

If you are putting the time, money, and effort into treatment, you should be sure you are getting some darn good therapy. If you are not sure that your current treatment falls under the “good therapy” category, or if you received great care but think you might be ready to go it alone, it might be time to move on.

Why Should You Leave Therapy?

At its best, therapy is a true partnership. When you are in therapy, you should feel understood, heard and like you have someone on your side. The work should feel 50/50 and you should feel like your therapist is just as invested in the relationship and your growth as you are. Therapy is a process; it can be messy and non-linear. It is normal to have moments of plateauing and some sessions will feel more productive than others. However, any feeling of stagnation should be temporary and is something that should and can be aired out.

Reasons To Leave Bad Therapy

If this does not describe your experience in therapy, you may want to reassess the treatment you are investing in. Here are the top things that I have heard from patients of my own about why their previous therapy was no good:

They Don’t Ask Questions

Sure, therapists were trained to do this work, but that doesn’t mean they know you. Maybe they have known people like you, but there is only one you. You hold all the answers and you and your therapist need to be very curious to find out what they are. Good therapy is less about “telling” and more about “asking.”

They Fall Asleep

I once had a patient tell me, “My last therapist was pretty good, but I always thought (the therapist) was falling asleep.” Not only should your therapist be awake for the duration of your session, but they should be actively engaged and interested. You are interesting! In fact, you both are responsible for being active during the session in order to get close and get work done.

Feeling Stuck?

If you are feeling stagnant and stuck in your therapeutic work, bring it up. In fact, talking about feeling stuck can end up turning into “good therapy” if you and your therapist use that as an opportunity to shake things up and get creative.

Sexual Healing? Bad Idea

Attraction happens. Two people sitting in a room talking about intimate things is one of the many places where attraction can happen. But a therapeutic relationship begins as a professional relationship and should always remain just that.

Reasons To Leave Great Therapy

Reasons to end or pause treatment extend well beyond the therapy being bad. There are plenty of good reasons for moving on from therapy that has been fruitful, which is a sign of growth:

Girl, You’ll Be A Woman Soon

If you have received great help and grown a lot, it might be time to go it alone. Whether it has been months or years–if you got what you wanted out of treatment (and maybe more!), it is OK to stop. And you can always take your therapist and your work with you after you have gone. The growth does not end just because the treatment does.

Moving Out

When you move, it can be hard to say goodbye to all of the people that you are close with, including your therapist. If you are both comfortable, your therapist can help with the transition by doing phone or Skype sessions. But long distance therapy is not a permanent solution for everyone and some people feel like they do not get the same from long-distance sessions. Be honest with your long-distance therapist about how phone or Skype sessions are going and don’t be afraid to say they aren’t working for you.

How To Leave Therapy

If you have decided to stop seeing your therapist, there are ways to make it a growthful experience:

Talk About It In Person

Just like with any other life decision, you can talk about this decision with your therapist. You don’t have to feel awkward or uncomfortable bringing it up, as this is something your therapist is used to talking about. Together, you can look at your options so you can make a decision about the future of your treatment. The only exception to this "let's hash it out together" rule is if your therapist is unsafe- if they have committed an egregious act such as violating your privacy or crossing the line sexually, do not return to therapy with that person.

Know Your Worth

For many people, having trouble recognizing or leaving bad therapy reflects a lack of confidence or self-worth. So many folks seek out therapy to begin with because they are stuck in a pattern of bad relationships, only to find that they are reenacting that very pattern in therapy! Everyone has a right to therapy where they feel valued and like they have someone rooting for them.

How To Leave Great Therapy

It’s Hard to Say Goodbye

“Graduating” or leaving therapy that you have really enjoyed can be sad, as you have likely developed a deep, meaningful relationship with your therapist. If you want to stay in touch, ask your therapist what that might look like (i.e. periodically emailing to say “hi”) and take plenty of room to process feelings of loss as you say goodbye.

Fear of Being On Your Own

Leaving good therapy does not have to be a permanent decision. After talking through with your therapist and making the decision to “graduate” from therapy, ask him or her about the potential to return in the future. Will he or she see you in a pinch? It is very likely that you can count on your therapist to be a safety net even if you are not actively in treatment.

Ultimately, Feel Good About Your Decision

When you have decided to leave therapy, it is something to feel good about. If you are leaving “bad therapy,” you should feel empowered in your ability to advocate for yourself and get your needs met. If you have got all you can from “good therapy,” you should feel confident in your growth and your ability to take your treatment with you.