Both in and out of my NYC therapy practice, I have known so many families who have struggled with infertility. Infertility is an umbrella term that spans a wide array of experiences–a family struggling to get pregnant can look many different ways. Yet, one thing that is consistent, in most cases of infertility, is that therapy is almost always left out of the treatment.
During the infertility process, you are facing big life choices that will have implications on your mind, body, and bank account for years to come. This, in itself, makes therapy a key ingredient. When confronting some of the big decisions that come with infertility, having an objective partner to help you and your family navigate what feels right for you can have a profound impact on the process.
In addition, you have to make these decisions in a vulnerable and compromised state. The infertility process is full of disappointment, fear, loss, sadness and anxiety. Miscarriages, procedures, surgeries, and other parts of this journey can be incredibly traumatizing. These events can further compound this experience and leave you with a lot of pain and unresolved emotions to address. Dealing with infertility will be challenging no matter what, but therapy can help the minimize this pain and bring some clarity and support to the process.
Making Big Life Decisions in a Compromised State
If you are one of the many families that end up at an infertility specialist, you have likely already been trying to get pregnant for some time and experienced some disappointment. Infertility treatment comes with a huge price tag, often not covered by insurance providers. In addition, the treatments and medical procedures that a doctor recommends are frequently invasive and involve large amounts of medications and hormones, which have a huge impact on your body and how you feel.
Many end up at specialists for “unexplained infertility,” which means either no luck after attempting to get pregnant for a year (or 6 months if the woman is over 35) or unexplained, recurrent miscarriages. If you fall into this category, there is the added challenge that the issue or issues at hand are unclear and how to proceed can be very murky. Doctors are limited as far as what they can offer, which can lead to an expedition of treatments such as IVF and IUI. These two treatments are the most profitable for doctors and clinics, which may impact doctors agendas when recommending a course of action.
Because of this, you may end up feeling rushed and pressured into these invasive fertility treatments. For so many families who feel emotionally broken and desperately want a child, a doctor, who says, “This treatment will work,” may override your underlying belief that the course of action does not feel right for you. You may also have entered this process as someone who has trouble setting limits with others, advocating for yourself, and knowing what your physical and emotional limits are.
Including therapy as part of your treatment gives you the opportunity to slow down and examine the pros and cons. A therapist will help to navigate big, challenging decisions in order for you to feel as empowered and clear during this process as possible. Furthermore, a therapist can help you navigate the emotional turmoil and trauma that can arise and accumulate as a result of infertility. It can be an incredibly isolating and painful experience, but having a therapist partner in the process can minimize that.
Infertility Raises Big Ticket Stuff
Even for those who have not suffered a concrete trauma like a miscarriage, infertility is complicated and it can really threaten a person’s sense of identity and emotional stability. Having children may be a big part of what you imagined your adult life to look like and you may have already made huge life decisions based off of the assumption that you would be a parent. It is the norm in our society to procreate and many people, especially couples, face constant questions and pressure from others to have kids. Also, kids are everywhere! For those of you struggling with infertility, children can be a constant reminder of what you don’t have and the pain you are in.
There are also more complex issues that infertility raises, especially for women trying to get pregnant. Not being able to have a healthy pregnancy can cause you to question your self-worth and to feel anger at your own body. It is a reminder that you do not have control and this can trigger fear, anxiety, and profound sadness. I have said to many patients in this position that infertility is like running a marathon blindfolded, you don’t know what mile marker you are at. This is how little control and clarity you have and it is imperative to address these feelings so the issues do not compound how hard this process is already.
You Finally Had A Kid–Now What?
After plenty of blood, sweat and tears, many families, who have had trouble having a healthy pregnancy, finally do. However, leftover trauma from the process of trying to get pregnant can be a challenging scenario. After crossing the finish line and having a child, you are sleep deprived, hormonal and have limited time and resources to devote to your own mental health. In my therapy practice, I have worked with many women in this position. Many of their symptoms mimic that of postpartum depression, but what seems to be at the root of their emotional turmoil is that they are grieving the losses that they have encountered throughout their infertility process.
You may feel as if you were coerced into invasive and expensive treatments and you may regret how quickly you entered into them or even that you entered into them at all. Or you may have really put your head down during this long, drawn-out process simply to survive, shutting off your emotions. Now as you come back to life, the emotions that you have been stockpiling for so long have accumulated and are coming out in some scary and painful ways. For those of you who did not seek therapy during the infertility process, it is never too late. Yet with a young baby with a whole lot of needs, it makes seeking treatment a bit more complicated, but not impossible.
