Want to Raise Unspoiled Kids? Teach Them to Grapple With Values
March 07, 2024
Spoiling yourself and being frugal are competing values that children watch their parents navigate
There is a notable tension between the value of parents raising children who aren’t spoiled and the values of capitalism. “Spoil yourself,” as well as the related “indulge” or “treat-yo-self,” have become virtues nearly synonymous with “self-care.” Even the hyphenated self-care with minor shifting becomes “caring about yourself,” which we’re told is another one of those higher virtues. But, what is the difference between self-care and selfishness? Or between “spoil yourself” and being spoiled? There is a distinction, but it’s more subtle and complicated to grapple with than frequently recognized.
While “spoil yourself” and its variations are all the language of Starbucks and lavish vacations, “save for retirement” and “the latte factor” are the language of capitalism too. Buying stuff and putting money in a retirement account are growth prospects for large companies that spend a lot of money encouraging people to do both. They are, of course, contradictory, but the solution is too often needing to work more to fund both.
Children see their parents grapple with these competing values—being frugal and deferring needs (both of which can be excessive) and splurging—through their own choices. This presents an underappreciated opportunity for child-raising. Parents should encourage kids to think in more sophisticated ways about what they’ve come to believe is value and what they’ve come to identify as their values.
How do I balance giving to the world and taking care of myself?: Grappling with questions of values is important work
We all struggle with ambivalence between self-indulgence and generosity. Grappling with values is important moral work: Who do I want to be? How do I want to find balance between giving to the world, investing in relationships, and taking care of myself? Are these necessarily in tension with one another?
Questioning values can be made more difficult when a tremendous amount of marketing money is spent on convincing people that certain products embody certain values. In addition to “treat yourself” or “self-care” being aligned with certain expenditures, as well as the value of insurance and saving for retirement, think of the labels “organic,” “farm-raised,” and “local.” While organic food and a good homeowner’s policy may, in fact, be good values, it is also key to reflect on why and acknowledge the agenda and financial motives of those telling you so.
Parents should invite kids to also continually question and reflect on their values
More than just adults considering their values, I’m advocating for parents to invite children to question their values too. Parents can often think of values as something that needs to be “taught” or perhaps modeled for children. However, this assumes that parents can address all possible scenarios or that there is a finite set of matters on which values need to be discerned. Young people grapple with moral questions from a very young age. This can be difficult for parents to notice if they also understand values as fixed and categorical rather than questions to struggle with.
In particular, parents should be aware of how they reflect on values. Parents are frequently instructed to ask kids, “Do you think that was the right thing to do?” That question belies that they’ve already arrived at an answer. Yes, parents sometimes need to declare, “Hitting is wrong.” But it’s also important to provide kids with questions to consider: “Why do you think using a word like that is wrong? Is it ever okay? Are there words that are sometimes okay and sometimes not? What’s the difference? Why do you think that?”
Beyond questions, parents naming their own grappling and limitations around values is also an invitation for kids to grapple as well. For instance, say, “Your mother and I like to give to these charities at the end of the year. We hope that it does some good, but it’s hard to know for sure,” or “I decided to go on my work trip instead of attending my cousin’s wife’s funeral. I sent a nice note, but I’m not sure it was the right thing.” Moral certainty is conservatism; it kills curiosity. Rather than asserting confidence in what values definitively are, parents would do well to teach humility.
