3 Reasons Why You Shouldn't Wait to Seek Therapy Postpartum
March 01, 2024
New moms and dads often seek therapy only once they’re in crisis: It doesn’t have to be that way
New moms and dads tend to show up to my office in crisis when they are overwhelmed with depression, anxiety, or trauma responses and/or are at an impossible juncture in their relationship. They feel hopeless and trapped while in the throes of new baby responsibility. So many say to me, “Gosh, I wish we would have met sooner!” It always makes me wonder: What if these new parents knew they could have reached out either before or when the pain started postpartum? Therapy earlier in new parenthood can help get ahead of what this transition raises emotionally before it hits a crisis point.
One of the reasons new parents commonly wait until they reach a seemingly insurmountable emergency is the preconception that new parenthood will be sunny and easy as long as they do it right, buy the right crib, work with the right sleep-training philosophy, or freeze all the meals. The reality is new parenthood is a shit show, sometimes right from the start. There’s not enough sleep and frequently not enough help. People are often surprised by how huge and hard this transition can be, both individually and in the context of a relationship. New parenthood can shake folks, but it’s also a ripe opportunity for exploration in therapy.
I recognize that therapy during the early days of parenting can seem like an enormous expense, both in time and money. However, a therapist can be part of your postpartum care team, budgeted for as you do parental leave or a postpartum doula. To shed light on why new parents should seek therapy sooner rather than later, here are three things the transition of new parenthood can bring up and how therapy can help:
1. Unanticipated postpartum logistical and medical challenges can not only throw you for a loop but raise old feelings
At the beginning of new parenthood, challenges, many unknown and unanticipated, arise that can be way more emotional than anyone expects. Things can get complicated medically, whether a baby’s stay in the NICU or difficulties post-delivery or post-op for a C-section. New moms and dads struggle with the trickiness of feeding issues or the strain of sleeplessness in addition to the stress of having a completely dependent new person. Parents respond to these challenges in all kinds of ways, from feeling like this is going to last forever to overriding their own needs to take care of the kid. On top of this, feelings of little or no control over these challenges can bring back harsh ways people relate to themselves or their relationship, as well as fears related to past upsetting experiences.
Therapy can help unpack all of the many emotions that come up both related to what is happening now and how it might bring back other feelings from the past. For instance, a good therapist won’t just relate to what your experience of a C-section was like. They’ll also be curious and dig deep into how it affected your relationship with yourself, your body, and your partner, what it’s like to feel limited in recovery while having a baby to care for, and how this experience might be related to previous losses of control.
2. A new kid means adding a new role to your identity: Mom, Dad, or parent
Before a new kid, you relate to yourself one way and suddenly after a baby, you take on a whole new role—that of mommy, daddy, or parent. This requires growing a new part of yourself postpartum, as well as facing who you are, were, and are learning to be. This shift can make new moms and dads reflect on both the past and present: Who does this make you now? How is this different from before? What do you want to make of being a parent? This immediate shift can be quite a shock. Even taking your kid out for the first time, you see how the world relates to you (and you relate to yourself) as a parent (Mom, Dad, etc.), not simply as you but you as a role. This can be an emotional realization that comes with conflicting feelings. Even if you aren’t the one who gave birth, your life and who you are has still changed drastically.
Therapy helps explore the roles, old, new, and otherwise, that you play in the world and your relationships, as well as consider how the new role of parent fits in with your identity. There is also some important grief work that needs to be done at this moment—to grieve what has to shift as you take on this new role as mom or dad of this kid and what you may have to let go of.
3. New parenthood can bring up complicated feelings about your own parents
When you become a parent (or a parent again), you notice, feel, and remember moments from your childhood and how your parents raised you that you “forgot” or didn’t remember until this moment. You might recall stories from your earlier days, some of which might be warm, some of which may not be. This is heightened by another big shift postpartum: your parents take on the role of grandparents. This means you get to watch your parents grandparent (parent), maybe in the same way, maybe differently. This can be comforting, overwhelming, hard, or just plain confusing to take in.
People typically don’t talk about these feelings outside of just complaining. However, new moms and dads should take time to look at their dynamic with their parents—the good, the bad, the messy, and the in-between. Therapy can help figure out how this old system fits into your new one. I often talk with new parents about when their parent visits the baby for the first time—how they felt, what it was like, and what it raised they may not have thought about since they were young. This is an opportunity to see what was and find out what healthy dynamics can stay and what less healthy ones have to shift, as well as what has to be grieved if they can’t.
