Emotions are like 4 year-olds

I love my niece. She's brimming with curiosity, she's generous with hugs, she's silly and sincere all at the same time.

Her parents love her too, of course. But they do not, under any circumstances (and as much as she may plead) let her drive.

Sometimes she gets a choice about whether or not she wants ketchup on her hot dog (lately, she does) or whether she wants to brush her teeth before or after putting on her pajamas.

I feel similarly about emotions. Happiness, excitement, sadness, anger--I think they're all fine and useful things. Much like my niece, emotions are intriguing and add excitement to life. They can also help provide a good deal of understanding about who we are and what's going on with us...

...but I'm not going to let them drive!

When we let our feelings run the show, we're headed for trouble. We've got to remember that human beings did a whole lot more evolving long past the evolution of emotions. And yet we still place emotions quite high in the hierarchy of what matters and what ought to guide us through rough terrain.

Emotions are unreliable

Have you ever felt anxious for no good reason? Or much angrier than a given situation warrants? Or terrified to do something that was actually good for you?

Me, too. We all have. Most of us are pretty aware that this disconnect exists, between what we feel and what's the best course of action. Yet we're trained to fall back on emotions.

Trained?

As the story goes, emotions are just natural, and the best plan is to listen to your heart or follow your gut. Everything from children's television to pop songs pushes this message. (Self-help books and television personalities do their part, too.)

But let's think this through: Ever felt like punching a rude store clerk in the face? Or suddenly quitting your job after getting a gruff email from your boss? Or buying a $400 pair of shoes you really couldn't afford? Or eating an entire birthday cake?

If we listen to those feeling--if we let those feelings drive--we'd most likely have a disaster on our hands (or at least a stomach ache).

If not feelings, then what?

More than anything, when you move feelings out of the center of the decision making process, new possibilities emerge not just for what to do, but also as regards the question of just how to figure it out.

Reason shouldn't be discounted as a good place to start. Where feelings might cause mischief, thinking through the consequences of a particular course of action and trying to make the rational choice is generally a good plan.

What if that doesn't work?

Feelings (like my niece) can be pretty persuasive. Either because a feeling is especially powerful, or because we're not well-practiced at standing up to our feelings, it might be hard to see past them.

In those cases, reason might need a bit of extra help. Consider these options:

The "sober-light-of-day" approach

At 2:00 am when you're two sheets the wind and you can't catch a cab isn't the moments to reassess your commitment to not driving drunk. Similarly, when facing the yards-long buffet at an office holiday party is not the moment to evaluate the details of your diet. When, at the end of a long day of work, a jerk on the NYC subway bumps into you and then picks a fight, is not the moment to consider what your values are vis-à-vis fighting.

Certain decisions need to be made in the sober light of day, so that when emotions are running high, rather than taking a broad personal inventory, you can simply reference that decision: "Here's how I'm going to handle situation X."

A little help from your friends

Socializing a decision is also a great antidote to the most pernicious of emotions.

You call a friend and say, "Hey, I really feel like walking out of this lousy job right now. Can I talk it through with you and see if that's a good idea?"

This also works preventatively: "Sally, I've got a big dinner coming up for work. I know I'll just feel like eating everything on the menu, but I want to stick to my diet. Can you help me come up with a plan?"

There's a lot we can rely on, and the creative possibilities open up dramatically once we recognize the limitations of simply indulging our feelings.

Much like my niece, emotions are great to have around, but they belong in the back seat, safely buckled in.