"What if 'the real you' is a jackass?" A case for fake.

I acted out on Facebook, and it wasn't the first time. But really, I couldn't help myself.

It happens.

Someone innocently posted this little bit of pith:

"The real you is better than a fake someone else."

You've heard something along those lines. (Probably in your Facebook feed). And it seems sensible. Except, consider the following: What if the "real you" is a jackass?

That's exactly what I commented. (Promptly followed up with a comment making clear that I wasn't calling the original poster a jackass--she isn't.)

A case for fake

Call me a sucker for a lost cause, but I'd like to make a case for fake.

Authenticity, being "true to yourself," or being "the real you," are all in vogue these days. I'm actually not so sure these notions every went out of vogue since at least the late 1960's.

I respect the spirit of it. Particularly as a response to the conformity of the post-war United States, being "real" was a solid step up. It was a part of a movement that produced some good results, not just culturally but politically.

But...

I'd like to propose that we, collectively, move on.

The notion that there's such a thing (and a so-valued thing) as "the real you" is one of the hallmarks of modernism, and also one of the founding principles of psychology. As with many such cherished institutions, it can be a challenge to see that it's possible to think about existence in any other way. We take it as given that "who we are" is a by-and-large fixed set of states (roughly constituted as our identity) and that being something other than "who we are" can only result in a lesser or ersatz version of us.

Perhaps I'll sound like a quack (or and even bigger quack than you already find me to be). I'll take the risk.

"What if the 'real you' is a jackass?"

Real question.

Or, less provocatively, what if the real you is shy, or bad at standing up for yourself, or bossy? What if the real you is, well, complicated?

We all have things we're good at and not good at. We all have limitations. We can all be a jackass, at least some of the time. But at the same time, we all agree that being a jackass is never a good idea. If your only option is to be "the real you," it doesn't leave you with any other choice.

There isn't much room for growth.

How about we create some more options?

People tell me all the time in therapy that some plan--something I propose, or that someone has asked of them--just isn't them. "I can only be myself, right?" they say.

Well, yes and no.

Sure, no matter what, you're always going to be you. But you can, at the same time, also be other than you. You might be shy but find a way to pull off being outgoing. You might be prone to anger and find ways of remaining calm. You might be bad at givings toasts and find a way to give a great toast!

In short, you can choose, when life demands it, to be fake.

What about being genuine? Isn't this lying?

You tell me. Is it lying to be nice to a coworker whom you secretly can't stand? Is it lying to to be nervous as heck about giving a big speech but come off as cool as a cucumber?

When we express a concern that someone is lying, or being fake, it seems to me that what we're objecting to is the manipulativeness that so often goes with it.

I think it's quite possible to embrace the option of being fake when being "you" is going to fall short and operate with integrity and without manipulations. In fact, being willing to be something that we aren't will, at times, be the very thing that will allows us to act with integrity.

That's my plan, anyway.

Unless you'd prefer I just be a jackass.