Several weeks ago one of my therapy groups got to talking about being friendly and open to building relationships and getting closer to the people in our lives. It turned out that what caused hesitation in reaching out to others, letting friends and family know you care (or that you'd like to spend time together) is a fear that the request won't be reciprocated.
Here are some examples:
The woman at work I have fun conversations with at the copier sometimes won't want to hang out after work because she always seems to have so much going on.
My old friend from college who I ran into on the street the other day wouldn't want to grab a drink because we haven't talked in so long.
I don't want to call my brother because we really haven't talked much in years, and I'm not sure he'd be interested.
It's not just that we're cynically assuming the other person won't respond. Sometimes we're just not sure, but sometimes people really are rejecting of our offers to get close. Perhaps they're just not interested, or perhaps they're uncomfortable with getting close, or they're angry about something that happened in the past, or maybe they're awkward.
It actually doesn't really matter all that much. You obviously can't control how others respond. What you can do is keep your status updated.
What's your status relative to the relationship?
What's critical is for you to decide where you stand in the relationship. Would you like to get to know a particular coworker better? Are you interested in getting together with that old friend? Do you want to have a close relationship with your brother? Never mind (for the moment) trying to predict what they want. If the answer is yes, then you let that person know: "I'm interested." "I'm available." "I care about our relationship."
"I'm in."
Perhaps that's a one-time thing, or perhaps your status towards that person in your life needs to be updated regularly. It might take several attempts, and it could take a years, but if a relationship is valuable to you, it's worth the effort to keep your status current. Maybe it's a periodic email or phone call just to say hello. Or a regular invitation to join you on an outing. Or a warm, heartfelt card on a birthday. Maybe you'll discover, in the end, that the object of your efforts really isn't interested; not much is lost, then. But perhaps your ongoing status updates will allow for the possibility of something really meaningful.
