Filling In The Blanks: Therapy for Adults Who Grew Up Too Fast

So many people that walk through the door of my NYC therapy practice are high achieving, bright, and successful. However, many find themselves struggling in certain areas of their lives because they had to grow up too fast. We often get to a place in our work where they ask me a version of: "If I can be so successful in (one area of life), why do I struggle so much in (insert other life area here)?"

Although that last part can change, the answer is usually pretty consistent: when a resilient kid does not grow up with enough safety and leadership, the kid ends up having to do a great deal of extra work. Often the result is that kid grows up highly developed in some areas but really struggles in others.

The Parentified Child

Humans are an adaptive species and our children are a great example of this. Kids are highly sensitive and perceptive and can act like thermostats for the overall health of the family unit. When there are fractures or abuse in a family, there is often a way that the kids naturally fill in the cracks. In the therapy world, one way of talking about this phenomenon in shorthand is the phrase “the parentified child.” This refers to a child who takes on a great deal of responsibility in the family well beyond their emotional maturity in order to pick up the slack for a dysfunctional parent. This dynamic forces the child to do some pretty remarkable growing, yet the weight of this responsibility does not allow them to experience safety and security. This can leave some pretty fundamental parts of them needing care and development.

Celebrating Resiliency

This all is how I end up referencing the 1980’s TV-series MacGyver a lot in the therapy room. Yes, that’s right, MacGyver. For any who are not familiar, the series revolved around a secret agent who always ended up in some sort of grave danger. MacGyver continually got himself to safety by using a combination of everyday objects and his smarts, such as using a paperclip and a piece of chewing gum to dismantle a bomb.

So many of my patients are emotional MacGyvers–people who have been able to adapt, fight and create their lives just using metaphorical masking tape and fishing line. When I come across someone like this, the first thing I do is celebrate them and reflect back on what amazing work they have done with so little. And then, I like to dig in and get to work helping them gain the skills they need to feel more balanced and fulfilled in their lives.

It’s Never Too Late To Fill In The Blanks

What this work looks like, as always, varies greatly from person to person. Yet, a part of the work that is pretty fundamental across the board is understanding the what lessons the client may have missed out on because of their upbringing. It is important to stress here that any missing lessons are not due to any shortcomings on their part. Instead, they are due to not having the safety and resources to learn these lessons at a younger age. How to deal with your internal experiences, how to find and trust safe people, and how to communicate are just a few lessons that we need to learn from a good, healthy teacher. These are not things we are just born knowing how to do, but lessons that people absolutely can learn at any time and at any age.

The Relationship Is The Therapy

There is always a huge relational component in therapy–therapists are people and how you act in relationships with others will come out in your relationship with your therapist. A big opportunity for growth is (always) in the therapeutic relationship itself and former parentified children are no exception. Many folks who grew up with absent, abusive, or overwhelmed parents learned at an early age how to be protective and self-possessed. This is because it was not safe to let their parents be in charge because they could end up getting hurt.

Therapy is an opportunity to do that primary, parental relationship differently. As trust builds in the therapeutic relationship, part of the growth is to learn how to take small, measured risks. If they go well, trust will build further and there is more and more room for the therapist to take the wheel and lead. Building trust is an absolutely imperative part of the therapeutic relationship because it opens up opportunity for people to safely feel cared for in a way they never have before. And people are better equipped to learn important lessons from those that they trust.

Everyone has countless ways to change and develop themselves further. For people who did not have enough safe and healthy room to grow as kids, there is a way to do that as an adult. And there is also an opportunity to have their strength valued and their MacGyver-ness celebrated.