What Monogamous Couples Can Learn From Polyamorous Couples: Founder and Clinical Director Matt Lundquist in MindBodyGreen

Polyamory requires partners to navigate their relationships with more consideration and awareness than monogamous couples. Monogamous couples have the benefit of an already determined relationship structure. While polyamory is not for every couple (nor is it for most couples), this thoughtfulness could teach monogamous couples a thing or two about how to tend to their relationship. Our Founder and Clinical Director Matt Lundquist recently spoke with MindBodyGreen on what relationship skills ethically non-monogamous couples practice that could benefit monogamous relationships.

In “4 Skills Monogamous Couples Can Learn from Polyamorous Partnerships,” Matt observes how polyamorous couples create their own rules, which means they tend to have an increased directness and clarity in building their relationship. “There are more organic points in the process where people need to be able to say, ‘Gosh, how are we going to do this? This is a new thing,’” Matt says. “Rules have to be created rather than assumed and taken for granted.” 

This often leads to more communication. While monogamous couples may not have to deal with the same issues around sex as polyamorous ones, any relationship could benefit from better communication. In the article, Matt provides an example of couples who “have a standing monthly meeting and a big old binder that they make a point to come back to once a month.” They sit down together and ask: “Hey, how are we doing with finances? How are we doing with childcare? Communicating around a schedule? How are we doing with making sure we’re making time for each other in a life that’s increasingly busy because we’ve invited other people into it? How’s it going in the jealousy department? How’s our own sex life?”

Jealousy, in particular, is an issue polyamorous couples deal with openly. They also learn to find pleasure when a partner (or partners) experience pleasure, which is known as compersion. Though often used in the context of sexual or romantic pleasure, Matt notes that it doesn’t necessarily have to be so. “Your partner has a great night out with friends and really enjoys themselves and you get to hear about that when they get home…That’s a kind of compersion,” Matt offers.

Finding that enjoyment in a partner’s happiness is also a way to come to appreciate how you need closeness with other people even in the context of a monogamous relationship. “I believe close relationships outside of a primary partnership, even in a monogamous relationship are good,” Matt asserts. “It’s nice to be close to people other than your spouse, and, in fact, I think it’s healthier. People tend to be healthier when we have other people we’re close to.”