Teens’ interests that parents see as odd are not just one of the greatest sources of life force: They’re also profoundly cool
In my work as a therapist to both teenagers and their parents, parents frequently express concern—or roll their eyes—about their teens’ “weird” niche interests, styles, or views about the world and worry about what other kids at school will think. However, I have repeatedly found that what parents report as odd are both the greatest sources of joy for their teenagers and profoundly cool. For parents, the truth is teens are cooler than you.
So cool, in fact, that you lose out by not asking for music recommendations, style advice, or information about the niche interests of your teens. In the way that you would defer to a scholar of 19th-century American literature on a question about Moby Dick, you must respect the authority of a teenager on the question of cool. This is about more than learning to part your hair the right way, finding the right shade of lipstick that finally brings out your eyes, or tossing out your skinny jeans. Leaning into a teen’s coolness supports their development into an independent separate human being, as well as gives parents a way to share in some of that new identity.
Teens study the latest the world has to offer and decide what holds value for them
Teenagers are at a point in their development where their main job is to explore. Their niche interests are a cornerstone of the individual identity that they are seeking to develop. When we look at ourselves as humans, what are we but passions and relationships? Just as you want your child to have a well-rounded group of people around them and a secure attachment to you, you also want them to be into stuff so they become an interested and engaged person.
When teens walk through the streets, scroll TikTok, and scan the halls of their high school, they are combing through with the keen eye of a cultural critic. They are constantly studying the latest the world has to offer and taking an internal audit of whether or not these things hold value for them.
When adults think we know what definitively is right, good, or cool, we get stuck: Teens can discover other ways of being in the world
Teens’ uniquely curious drive creates more possibility and potential. Adults believe too deeply in the formulation of the world that they have developed over their lives. This forecloses a lot of potential for positive change and even, necessary growth. Teen’s ability to try on, hypothesize, and go through their own process to test out that hypothesis allows for more full and interesting ways of being.
This even includes interests or styles that seem to push boundaries. “Weird” interests and fashions help teens beat a pathway to individuality and authentic expression, which is important for the human spirit. We are complex beings informed by so many different life experiences and the ways we dress and what we are into should reflect how unique we all are. The world would be so boring and heterogeneous if everyone accepted the status quo and didn’t take risks. Who wants everyone to wear white T-shirts and khakis and listen to the same top 50 pop songs?
Not only are new things created when brave people take a risk to turn against what is “normal” or “accepted,” we progress culturally through challenge and people making something that was once “strange” commonplace. Pushing boundaries is the way things expand. When adults think we know what is “right,” “good,” or “cool,” we get stuck rather than discovering other ways of moving through the world that may fit better if we give them a chance.
Letting your teen shape your interests, views, or style is a way to show them respect for who they are becoming
When you stay far away from your teen’s interests, you also risk staying away from the person who is developing in front of you, growing like a weed into the unique and world-challenging adult they are likely to become. As a child moves out of the child phase, it’s important to renegotiate your relationship with your teen. It’s a mistake to relate to them as only someone who depends on you and needs to be molded by you.
By leaning into and learning from your teen’s coolness, you have an opportunity to form a new kind of relationship based on mutual respect and a sharing of expertise. It shows that you have the mental flexibility to take on new things and deepen as a person. Teens are at a stage where they are changing in many different ways. There is a manner that changing and expanding your own worldview as an individual covertly expresses to a teen: “I can handle whoever you end up being. Actually, I’m into that. It’s exciting for me how different and challenging you will end up being.”
You may need to also do some necessary grieving in letting go of the “baby” or child you helped shape. However, letting your teen shape you with their interests, thoughts about the world, or style is a way to show your respect for them as autonomous people, which goes a very, very long way with teens.
