I have observed both in and outside of my NYC therapy practice a growing dialogue for mental health issues like depression. What often seems absent, however, is the ripple effect of depression and how it can affect couples, family units, and those in close proximity to it. When one person in a unit is struggling with pain (in all of the various ways that can manifest), it reverberates through the relationships. In a couple, it can often leave the partners each feeling disconnected, lonely and unsure of what to do.
Photographer Maureen Drennan captures these very sentiments and the challenge of living with depression in a relationship in her collection “The Sea That Surrounds Us.” In this photo series, she documents her husband, Paul, and their life together as he goes through a depressive episode. Throughout this process, Maureen and Paul find ways to reconnect and to gain a greater understanding of their experiences both as a couple and as individuals.
Art Can Connect Couples
When reading about Maureen’s series, the first thing I took note of is the name. The collection is not called “The Sea That Surrounds Him” Or “The Sea That Surrounds Me”–the title alone reflects the essence that Maureen and her husband, Paul, are a unit. What happens to one of them, essentially happens to the other.
Maureen describes an initial tentativeness and some timidity with taking photos of Paul. She seemed aware that Paul was not super comfortable in front of the camera and seemed to feel some protectiveness toward him. Additionally, his emotional states seemed foreign to her despite their intimate relationship. As this process progressed, Maureen and Paul both began to benefit from the daily picture taking–as a couple and as individuals.
Maureen describes that it became a familiar part of their day-to-day and “what we did together.” She goes on to say, “where words failed us, the pictures filled in the blanks.” The nonverbal routine of the picture-taking offered them time when they each gave each other their undivided attention. The intimacy of the photography, as well as the depth and meaning that comes with an image, seemed to help Maureen understand Paul’s experience more and more.
Powerless and Unsure of How to Help With A Partner’s Depression
So many partners and loved ones of those with depression feel powerless. They are watching someone they care about deeply experience profound pain and it can be so frustrating when there is nothing concrete “to do.” Perhaps this very feeling is part of what inspired Maureen to start this project.
She describes the act of photography as something that helped her to “afford some control in this situation.” Documenting Paul’s pain was a concrete action she could take. And further in the process when it began to be validating and helpful for Paul, taking photos was actually a way to devote time to him and the relationship in a meaningful, useful way.
Breaking Through Feelings of Alienation
It can be incredibly hard to truly understand anyone’s daily experience and it never ceases to amaze me how many different descriptions I can hear about something as simple as riding the subway to work.
We, as humans, have an inherent need to be seen and connect with others. Therefore, when that need does not get met, it causes a great deal of despair. For my patients, I want to know how hard it is to get through the day and exactly what that looks like. I want to hear about everything from the person that was driving them crazy on the street to how they feel unfulfilled at work and everything in between.
It is possible to feel lonely even when surrounded by people, especially when there is a big disparity between what someone is feeling and what they show to others. Many people who describe themselves as suffering from depression relay a feeling of isolation and/or a disconnection from others. The feeling as if no one understands how hard it is to get through the day often only exacerbates depressive feelings.
Paul was able to observe and take in his wife’s “dedication to reading his signals, gestures and movements, and interpreting his state of mind,” presumably feeling less alone in his emotional state. Maureen was truly acting as witness to his daily experience and then, there was a tangible photograph for them to look at and reflect about together. The photographs themselves and the act of photographing gave this couple a way to gain a deeper understanding of each other and an opening to talk about some things that are so hard to put into words.
Art As A Couple’s Starting Point
For Maureen and Paul, their photographic routine acted as a bridge between them and strengthened their relationship. Even for those who are not artists, there is plenty to learn from what was so successful about this photographic endeavor.
The first is that couples who have uninterrupted, quality time with each other will remain more connected. This is something that all couples–not just those who are emotionally struggling–will benefit from. Additionally, having a routine like Maureen and Paul, whether it is a daily check-in or weekly date night, ensures that this time will not be deprioritized. The couple will be less likely to get distracted with something that feels more pressing.
Additionally, talking about depression, pain and not feeling very close can be really hard things to verbalize. Yet, Maureen and Paul went right towards these issues with a great deal of bravery and ended up becoming stronger for it. Their use of photography and art was a starting point and enabled them to express things without words. Similarly, couples can use nonverbal media like music, art, or dance to connect and to use as a starting point. Sharing a piece of art or music can be an opening and a way to have a deeper, more meaningful conversation than one otherwise might. And for couple’s who feel like they need some back up and some help tackling emotionally loaded topics, a therapist can act as a guide to get the couple back on track.
