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Hey Couples, Communication Isn’t Your Problem!

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Kelly Scott

I see my role as a psychotherapist as a partnership to help others access their resilience, and guide them toward more deeply satisfying lives and relationships. Pairing creativity and playfulness with being goal-directed, I believe that a balance of leadership and humility is required to help others.

Posted on April 3, 2019 in Couples Therapy and Relationships, NYC Therapy, Psychology, Psychotherapy, Therapy, Therapy for Stress

Many Couples Seek Couples Therapy For Communication, But That’s Often Not The Problem

Well over fifty percent of new couples that come into my couples therapy practice insist they need help with communication. Couples can be really invested in their definition of “the problem,” and often spend a lot of energy in therapy trying to convince me to get onboard with what they think they need. While it’s hard to argue that a couple’s relationship wouldn’t benefit from improved communication, communication is also often the thing that’s usually causing the least amount of stress.

Instead Of Communication, Couples Are Often Struggling With Something Tougher To Raise

Couples who say they need help improving their communication are often struggling with something that is more difficult to articulate. Relationships can offer safety, even if it’s only perceived, and it can be destabilizing and intimidating to bring concerns to light that feel unresolvable. Long-standing issues like fear of vulnerability, ambivalence about the relationship, and not knowing how to be a team are common yet deeply scary realities that drive couples into therapy, even if they aren’t aware of it.

When your relationship already feels like it’s on the rocks, it can seem unwise or reckless to raise topics that create instability and doubt. For example, telling your partner that he or she needs to stop being so nasty is a million times easier than talking about the possibility that the relationship isn’t fundamentally viable. But, that’s exactly what’s needed.

Couples In Therapy Can Do More Than Learn Communication Tools, They Can Get To The Root Of The Relationship’s Distress

With couples that insist they need support with communication, it can be tempting for a therapist to address huge blow-out arguments by teaching patients to take timeouts, how to monitor tone of voice, or setting fair fighting rules. These tools can be very helpful, but they don’t necessarily address the root of what’s causing the distress in the relationship in the first place.

Couples in therapy have an opportunity to not only learn better communication skills and repair past hurts, but also confront old habits and assumptions. Truly working toward lasting change requires couples to show courage and honesty–and a therapist who isn’t afraid of a little confrontation in order to help them develop a new understanding of the problem.

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matt lundquist, LCSW MSEd

A Columbia University-trained psychotherapist with more than a decade of clinical experience, I've come to believe that what it means to help people in therapy is to help them create their lives and I relish in this challenging, playful activity.

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  • couples
  • teens
  • families
  • art therapy
  • depression
  • anxiety
  • trauma/PTSD
  • anger
  • aspergers
  • non-diagnostic therapy