3 More Reasons Why You Shouldn't Wait to Seek Therapy Postpartum
March 04, 2024
As I wrote in the first part of this two-part series, new moms and dads tend to only seek therapy when things have reached a crisis point. To further emphasize why new parents shouldn't wait to seek therapy postpartum, here are three more things the huge transition of new parenthood can bring up:
1. When you add a new family member, your relationship changes
A new baby is a huge transition for a relationship. What was once a couple is now a family (or a family of three is now a family of four, etc.). Suddenly, you both have a new person to take care of while still caring for each other, all while on little sleep. A new baby brings new questions to navigate in a relationship, financially, emotionally, and relationally: Who does what? Who is working and what does that bring up? How do you approach the extra financial burden? How do you both handle being on a lot of the time? How do you make time separate from the new baby for each other? Do you have space for couple time, as well as family time? Longstanding issues and pain points that were previously swept under the rug also tend to come up when each partner is tired and has less emotionally to give.
Couples with new kids, in particular, tend to wait until their relationship is at the seeming breaking point before they seek therapy. However, talking before the mud is flung is key so partners’ expectations and experiences can be navigated in the open. Couples therapy can normalize the tension that comes up in the not-sleeping, diaper-changing, laundry-doing, and feeding days of parenting. It’s useful to have a third pair of eyes and ears—not to mention a brain that’s not sleep-deprived—to help with a concrete plan for everyone to get some of their needs met while also learning to tolerate some temporary strain. Therapy can also be a place to reflect on the relationship before the new baby, grieve what has changed, and address what may have been previously under-addressed that is coming up now.
2. Sex and sexual expression can be hard to navigate for new parents
New parenthood is not necessarily a sexy time when everyone is covered in baby stuff. Yet, how do sex and sexual expression play into your new life together? This is frequently not a topic couples tend to explore openly when they are surviving the newborn stage yet there is both a sense of loss and a need to be creative in this moment. In addition to the reality of giving birth and the body healing for typically six to eight weeks, desires can shift, bodies feel different, and navigating sex can feel such a mix of things: wanted, needed, unknown, scary, and difficult. For example, some partners feel all touched out from caring for the new kid that they wish for separateness rather than togetherness when their partner initiates sex or cuddling. Even before new parenthood, sex may have just been easily engaged in/easily activated rather than discussed, but now, there needs to be more communication and conversation.
This is a time for couples to talk openly about expectations and expressions needed around sex: how many times a week, when it feels like everyone is ready, what feels off-limits, what foreplay looks like, etc. Therapy is a space where couples can freely discuss this rather than feel easily slighted, hurt, angered, distanced, or confused, as well as come to understand the role of sex and sexual expression in both of their lives and as a unique part of their relationship.
3. Your values change in a way that may surprise you
As you take in that there is a new human you are getting to know and fostering into the world, you experience a huge value shift in ways that can be surprising. You might value staying in more when you used to have a buzzing social schedule. You might find you enjoy going slower when you used to have fun racing around the city and in your job. You may discover you like this new role as a parent, more than you expected. You may also realize you value moments of separateness like taking a walk or meeting a friend for coffee when you thought you would be entirely focused on the new baby. The nuclear unit may also become more important with an extended network of family and friends getting less attention. Or you may find you want to integrate the baby more and more into your daily life rather than slow life down. For couples, each partner’s values can evolve differently. This isn’t necessarily a crisis but requires conversation so both partners can share an understanding.
New parenthood is often a time of revelation: What are you like now? What do you like now? How are you discovering a new way of being with yourself, your relationships, and the world? Therapy is a place to be curious about how your values are shifting in this new role, new moment, and new relationship. A good therapist can be curious and ask questions about what your values used to be versus how they look now, as well as help hold space for grieving what is lost as you place importance on different aspects of your life.
