Both in my NYC therapy practice and privately, I’ve always felt that music is able to express things that we have a hard time communicating to ourselves and in relationships. I’ve often personally found that lyrics written by someone else can say more emotionally than we can articulate on our own. The music we hold dear is another way we are emoting whether sadness, loss, grief, fear, trauma or safety from that trauma. Music can calm anxiety, rock us on sleepless nights or walk us through panic. It is with us through our transitions in life whether divorce, loss, birth, marriage or childhood.
While not a music therapist, I often use music in the therapy room as a way to connect, communicate and expand my conversations with people. This can take several different forms. Sometimes I’ll talk with someone about what they like listening to and then, go listen to that artist, piece or genre. Sometimes we will play music while we talk to add to the therapy environment and other times, we will take a music break in session. Sometimes we will write or sing a song together.
Listening To Where The Patient Is At
A big theme in my training was “be where the patient is at.” I took that as: build from what they are into. When I sit with a patient, I think, “What makes them excited, helps them be sad, express, feel connected and emotional?” or simply, “What is their day like?” Getting to know about what they read, listen to, a blog they like, a TV show, a comedian that interests them or a sports team that speaks to them allows us to relax and be present in our relationship. It both helps them feel seen and helps me see them.
For me, I go there most easily with music. I know how music works and how to connect with it. I personally feel a deep connection with music that speaks to me so I can easily connect with how music speaks to my patients.
Much of this comes directly from my own love, training and connection to music. I listen to a lot of music, I play and perform music and I generally love connecting with people around music. I’ve been a musician since early childhood and have played in orchestras, college choirs, rock bands and country jams.
Music In The Therapy Room
Maybe because of my longtime connection to music, I’ve always seen the benefits of using music in therapy. In my first therapy post out of school, I mostly did group therapy where we brought in albums for a month as part of talking about addiction and the complexities of living sober. I then ran a group with an art therapist in which we used the mindfulness techniques of music and art to help folks slow down their thoughts.
When I began working with individuals, I was initially scared to bring this in. I was worried that it didn’t fit within the confines of the method I was practicing. But as I spent more time in the chair, I relied less and less on the prescribed method and added the musical element back in to build relationships.
Finding Our Song
Music can open up a relationship in a way that digs deeper. We spend so much time on our own with our music that it’s important to bring people in. Many romantic relationships and friendships have their own unique “song.” It is basically a transitional and relational sound that we use to lean into a relationship.
In therapy, we can create not only “our song,” but a conversation through music. Bringing music into therapy can help us get at ideas, emotions or thoughts that we do not naturally verbalize or consciously think about.
And our relationship can grow from there. One of my favorite things to do with patients is to send them music or have them send me music that speaks to them as a part of our therapy. Exchanging music is like a longer conversation that extends outside the therapy room. We can take the process out into the world and not isolate it in the office with just the “problem.” It helps me to see the whole picture of the person, which allows our relationship to live and breathe in the real world.
Sonically Slowing Down
In many ways, this relates to the notion we frequently talk about in our Tribeca therapy practice of “slowing down.” Often patients come into therapy with a problem to “fix.” But it’s usually a better and more helpful “fix” if we get to know each other and build a relationship in which I know what makes them emote, connect and relate.
By slowing down through music, we bring our therapeutic relationship from the simple to the complex. We are complex as people and we live outside the therapy room. Slowing down and listening to music together allows me to get to know the whole person and their full story and gives me an opening to see what they connect with. By shifting the “problem” into a process through music, who knows what we will develop.
