As an art therapist in NYC, I get to work with all kinds of kids, ranging from shy to verbose. Regardless of a child’s temperament and language skill, there is always a limit on what he or she can communicate in words. For parents, this can be tough. On one hand, they know their kid better than anyone else in this world. Yet, on the other hand, even parents can often experience befuddlement, sensing that there is something their child is trying to say but not knowing what it is.
To help bridge this communication gap, I use art not just with kids but with their families too. Art, in addition to speaking, can be the key to get to the heart of what a child is really trying to say.
Kids Communicate Through Actions
When a baby doesn’t get what he or she wants, he or she cries and screams. As babies grow into toddlers, crying and screaming grows into tantruming. As kids grow older, their expression of “I’m not getting what I want” changes and shifts and becomes more mature. Kids begin to learn how to “keep it together”–at least when they are at school or at soccer practice. There is certainly still crying and screaming. Parents know better than anyone that this display happens to the greatest degree at home where the child feels safest.
This shift in how children communicate their wanting and dissatisfaction is a part of healthy child development. It shows that they are learning some very important life lessons including frustration tolerance, how to cope with upset feelings, and how to ask for what they want using words. All of this is an ongoing process and, heck, even grown-ups continue to learn better ways to cope with and express disappointment well into adulthood.
One major challenge that so many kids face is that their language skills and brain development have not caught up with their complex set of needs. Many times when they are asking for things, what they really want to say is just beyond reach. Therefore, so much of how children communicate with external people and things is nonverbal and through action.
Acting Out: Kids Who Don’t Know A Better Way
In my NYC therapy practice, I see a lot of kids and families who have been referred to me because the child is “acting out.” Fighting with other peers or siblings, having meltdowns during transition times, and lashing out at parents or other adults are just some examples. So often the child is trying to communicate something that is beyond what they are capable of doing clearly with words so they unconsciously turn to action.
These kids need an outlet for their feelings and a way to express what is bothering them deep down. They also need to learn what is and is not a healthy, safe way to express what they are feeling. So many parents I meet who know their kids inside and out are often bewildered by these behaviors and are at their wits end.
Enter art therapy!
Kids love art and there is a reason why. Well, a few reasons. In addition to being fun, art allows kids to be expressive without feeling limited by their vocabulary. So when a kid comes to therapy, making art and facilitating creativity in other ways feels like a natural fit. Furthermore, when a parent knows that something is troubling their child but they are not sure what and there are new or escalating behaviors, art can be the key to getting the family back on the same page again.
Art As A Way To Bridge Communication
When the whole family enters the therapy room, there is an opportunity to go over these challenging situations and have everyone give their perspective. For example, if a family comes in with a kid that is struggling with drop off, I might direct everyone to make an image of a particularly tough morning. This allows the parents to see the child’s perspective in a different way than just through their own observations and the child’s own verbal communication. The artwork and the process of exploring this example together can reveal challenges that child is having that the parent was not even aware of. It can lead to the child feeling seen and heard by their parents. It can also help us find out how to meet the child’s needs.
The beauty of having the whole family share their experience is that it communicates, “we are all in this together.” There is such a risk for the child who is demonstrating acting out behaviors to get a bad rap, a lot of focus and negative attention. By including the whole family and making this family issue, it is less stigmatizing and becomes a more accurate representation of any communication breakdown. Families that seek to understand each other are set up for success and art is a good way to do this.
