Should We Be Mindful?: An NYC Therapist's Response To Ruth Whippman's "Actually, Let's Not Be In The Moment"

As a NYC therapist, I couldn’t help but respond to Ruth Whippman’s recent New York Times opinion piece “Actually, Let’s Not Be In The Moment.” In the article, she points out the problems inherent in the current self-help trend of mindfulness.

As a philosopher (so to speak), I’m not sure I actually believe there is such a thing as “the moment.” But as a therapist, I think the activity that people tend to do when they chose to be mindful is, at worst, harmless and often quite helpful. The value implicit in the notion of mindfulness is that we can make intentional choices about where we focus our minds. But, it is important to say that we don’t have full choice in this regard. Just as we can’t control our dreams, there are thoughts and impulses floating around in there that we just can’t control.

What If We Fail At Being Mindful?

This is where the thought-policing concept comes in that Whippman points out. And it is precisely my concern with the cognitive therapy part of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which most self-help offerings are some variant of (and there are so many variants!). These have been endlessly recycled in books, on Facebook and Instagram memes, and in seminars. Effectively, these approaches tell us, “Don’t think X, think Y and your life will be better. You’ll be better.” I’ve come to hear them, in whatever variant, as a sort of finger pointing. “Be in the now” is exactly the same formulation. It’s another imperative and, as Whippman says, it’s yet another thing the perfect person–usually women, as most of these self-help variations are directed at women–is supposed to do.

Developing a capacity to curate our thoughts has tremendous value, but sometimes, we fail. Our unconscious won’t wiggle free in spite of all our tugging and pulling. People feel ashamed either because they can’t seem to consistently “think positive” or it doesn’t lead to a wonderful result. The sentiment is, "I've tried to think positive. I can't. What does that say about me?”

Even though there might be some emotional benefit or relief from discomfort or anxiety by being mindful, we effectively distract ourselves from negative thoughts while leaving the underlying contextual issues untouched. In many instances, we are left feeling better for only a short while–the change isn’t sustained. In other instances, the change is sustained, but we have perhaps only dealt with an effect and left alone broader matters that need resolved. And in some cases, the thoughts are changed, but the feelings persist. Now what?

There Are More Options Than Just The Here And Now

We are more than our thoughts. And if being mindful doesn't work for you, maybe you need something else. Maybe it's not something cognitive at all. Maybe it’s planning for tomorrow’s presentation, relaxing and visualizing the ocean until the cavity is filled, remembering a great vacation or a lost loved one, grieving pain from abuse or neglect, or talking through trauma with a skilled therapist. Or maybe it's a cognitive shift like being anywhere else at all besides the here and now.