In my NYC therapy practice, I work with many teens and families of teens who have decided to take a break from college. This can be a difficult decision and it is hard to know when it is time to muscle through the semester and when might be the time to press the pause button. There are some quick, short-term things that can help a student feel more stable, but sometimes a break is what is needed to get the teen back on a good, healthy track.
Creating a Culture of Help
The first thing that needs to happen when a teen is having a tough time at school is this needs to be named and brought out in the open. This is easier said than done and can be hard for some teens who want to protect the newfound autonomy that comes from being at college. Many teens also feel ashamed and don’t want to disappoint their parents. Because of this, it is important for parents to teach teens how to ask for help and normalize that everyone needs help sometimes. Furthermore, it is imperative that parents listen when they do ask for help, which can sometimes come in a subtle and indirect forms.
If your teen is not acting themselves and your parental spidey senses are tingling, check in with them. If they are denying that something is wrong, you may want to still consider taking some steps to get them support. It may just be they feel so uncomfortable voicing what they are dealing with, that they need to do it with someone more neutral like an advisor or therapist.
Academic Reinforcements
Academic advisors can be a very helpful and can often offer some immediate help. The advisor can look at the student’s current workload and see if dropping a class or classes is feasible, as this could quickly relieve a great deal of pressure. The advisor can also act as a liaison between the student and his or her professors to get the student extra academic support or extensions on deadlines. For the most part, the more a teacher sees a student is trying, the more leniency and assistance they will offer. The advisor can also refer the student to additional help if needed, from the school’s tutoring or disabilities center.
Dealing With the Emotional Side
Therapy can provide further support and guidance during this challenging time. If the teen’s struggles at school are based in something that is happening emotionally, therapy is the way to address these issues and figure out next steps. But even if the stuff that the student is struggling with is more academic-based (i.e. potential learning disability, trouble keeping up with assignments and staying organized), therapy can help the teen get back on track and address any feelings that are coming up around the fact that they are having such a hard time.
Similar to the academic advisor, a therapist well-versed in teen and young adult issues will have a lot of expertise to offer. They can offer some leadership around next steps and help get the whole family on the same page. If a student is still having trouble making it through the day or week even after some of these short-term solutions, a break from school should be seriously considered. This can be a logistical and financial challenge, but a little break can go a long way and can be an extremely healthy decision for the teen and their whole family.
Take The Issue Seriously But Don’t Make It Big
For so many high-achieving and conscientious teens and families, a break from school can feel like a failure. It is also an adjustment for students who go away to school to come home and live with their parents again. It is so important to keep in mind that although this break and all of the issues that the teen is dealing with feel very BIG, this is just a small blip on the radar screen of their life. A break is just that, a break. It’s not permanent and it will not somehow jeopardize a student’s future career trajectory.
Furthermore, the break is needed for very good reason. It is an opportunity to assess what led to the teen’s hard time and prevent it from happening again. Perhaps the teen did not have the right resources in place to cope with the pressures of college. Or maybe they needed more time to develop certain independent living skills before living in an environment with such autonomy. The school itself may have also not been a great match and a break could be a moment to press pause and ask, “What kind of atmosphere does this student really need to thrive and meet his or her goals?” Having some time off can act as a reset and give the family as a whole the space to get on a better track.
Stay in the Now (When Possible)
For most colleges, deadlines for admission, signing up for classes, and making housing arrangements happen months in advance. This can put a great deal of pressure on the student if they are on a break and hope to return to school the following semester. It can get even more confusing if they want to rethink their academics and want to attend a new school that feels like a better fit. Many of these deadlines will come up when the future is quite uncertain. The top priority is always getting the student healthy and stable and there may initially be a lot of question marks as far as how long that will take or what that will look like.
Because of this, the family will have to find the right balance between fighting the urge to plan and identifying what deadlines are absolutely hard and fast. If the student hopes to return to the same school, the student’s advisor can play an important role in helping the family navigate deadlines. Advisors deal with this type of situation often and can offer special accommodations and help with future planning.
Even if a deadline comes and goes, if the teen is still not feeling stable and needs a lot of support, always make that the first priority. This might add some uncertainty into the mix, but only when the teen is feeling more stable, can they even be in the place to make some of these decisions. A therapist can give some guidance around the teen’s needs, which includes pacing. Especially when the student first gets home, it is important to take it one day at a time, and just focus on helping get their needs met.
