As a parent, does it ever seem like your teen is sick of you, not that interested in what you have to say and avoids you? Well, you're right. Your teen is just not that into you.
Just like the 2005 book He’s Not That Into You, if it feels like your adolescent wants space from you, that is probably right. An adolescent looking for space and rebelling from their parents is a longstanding cliche. Regardless, it doesn’t feel so great to be on the receiving end of a kid that can’t stand to be in the same room as you. The good news is that this is a normal, healthy part of their development and will help them to solidify their identity.
Space Is Needed for Identity Development
When your kid was a younger child, you may have felt like they were your little shadow. I am sure there were even countless times where space from you would throw them into a full-blown tantrum. But, my, how things have changed!
A reason for this is that adolescence is a time when older kids “separate and individuate,” meaning this is the time for your teen to start figuring out who they are. In order to do this, teens need space from parents and caregivers so they can look at themselves through a more neutral lens.
It is likely that who your teen grows up to be will absolutely include not just you, but also some of your values and beliefs. Yet the only way for a teen to figure out that they do, in fact, want to carry on your values and beliefs is to have space from you.
How Much Rebellion is Too Much?
Adolescents often will break rules or try and push boundaries that parents and caregivers have set. This is to be expected. It is up to the parent to hold to these boundaries and be crystal clear about the consequences should that happen. Yet, if you find that your child is consistently breaking rules and not participating in the consequences or if you are having trouble enforcing these consequences, it might be time for some backup.
If you find that your child’s personality has changed overnight and there is an extreme change that has taken place, you may want to consider getting them in treatment. This includes not just rule-breaking, but also a change in mood and overall sociability. For example, if your normally very social kid all of a sudden is isolative, that is potentially of concern. Or, if your normally rule-following kid is all of a sudden breaking curfew or your usually cheerful kid has an extended period of looking sullen, it will be useful to consult with a therapist.
Therapy As a Safe, Neutral Space
Whether they are rebelling too much or just need space to grow, therapy is an opportunity for your teen to be close to a safe adult that is also separate from the family. When your teen is seeing a therapist that you both really trust, you can rest assured that the therapist is teaching your kid some of the lessons that they are not open to hearing from you right now. Furthermore, if your child is in danger, that is something the therapist is required to tell you and can help the family as a whole navigate whatever the issue is.
Therapy can also be a space for parents to get direction or a setting where the whole family can come together and get some guidance around what is not working. Adolescence is a huge time of transition in which teens are getting more autonomy, socialization is becoming increasingly important, and they are exploring their identities. Change does not happen in a vacuum, especially not in families, so when a teen is changing, it is also changing the dynamic of the family as a whole. Having a therapist as a neutral party can ensure that everyone in the family undergoing this major shift gets the support they need.
