We’re excited to share that our Founder and Clinical Director Matt Lundquist is featured in two recent publications, addressing how to deal with rejection and what daydreaming about sex with an ex might mean emotionally.
In Prevention’s “6 Tips for Dealing With Rejection, According to Experts,” Matt explains why rejection can sting so much, as well as offers advice on moving forward after rejection. Part of the pain of rejection relates to how, as Matt notes, “one of the most fundamental human fears is abandonment.” Some of this fear comes from our basic evolutionary need as humans for social bonds. He says, “We are fundamentally social creatures…This isn’t merely a preference—we depend on one another to survive. On a primal level, being cast out of a family or group is synonymous with death.”
After rejection, Matt suggests examining what you may be able to learn from the experience. For instance, after a breakup, Matt encourages asking yourself: “What can you learn about what didn’t work in the relationship? Are there ways you need to grow as a person?” Granted, this isn’t always easy to do alone, especially after a hurtful breakup or feelings of rejection. Therapy can help navigate these questions. “If there is a history of attachment trauma or unhealthy attachment, say to unavailable people, you want to bring that to therapy,” Matt details.
Beyond therapy, Matt also urges people who are experiencing rejection to reach out to loved ones to find support. He observes, “It’s important to get support from caring people when going through a hard time, and that also goes for rejection.”
In addition, Matt weighed in as an expert for a sex and relationship column in INSIDER, helping writer Julia Naftulin answer a reader’s question about continuing to think about sex with an ex after a breakup. The reader writes that after getting out of a four-year relationship, they are having trouble being sexually attracted to and finding good sexual connection with other partners. Matt explains that sometimes being focused on sex with an ex can be about more than just missing good sex (though it can be that too!). It can also be an indicator that the loss of the relationship hasn’t been processed emotionally. He reveals, “People will kid themselves into thinking they’ve accepted the breakup, but grief is a thing you have to respect. It could be a really hard loss that needs attention emotionally.”